


The Mockingjay's Song

by FallenWinterRose



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hunger Games Setting, F/M, Hunger Games Victor Katniss Everdeen, Katniss Is Just Trying to Survive, Katniss Sings, POV Katniss Everdeen, Post-Games (Hunger Games), Pre-Rebellion Story, Slow Burn, The Capitol (Hunger Games), victor!Katniss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 35,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25065589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallenWinterRose/pseuds/FallenWinterRose
Summary: Katniss has just won the 73rd Hunger games at 15 years old. As she struggles to cope with the trauma and pain and guilt, she also has to deal with the Capitol's anger at her. She is just trying to survive, in the only way she knows how. She will smile, wave, and play the part of the naive girl who could never inspire a rebellion if it means the survival of those she loves.*cross posted from fanfiction.net
Relationships: Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So here's my first attempt at fanfiction for this fandom! I originally posted this on fanfiction.net, but decided to post it on here, too!
> 
> Hope you enjoy, and let me know what you think so far!

* * *

_**Chapter 1: The 73rd Hunger Games** _

I took a deep breath and tried to remember the few good memories I had to calm myself down. I couldn't afford to mess up and so I thought of my father, his smile, our laughter, of Spring, of my bow and arrow, of hunting outside the fence, of those small stolen moments of freedom, of Prim and I managed to paste on a convincing enough smile as the producer counted down from ten.

I accepted someone's offered hand as they helped me step onto the platform that brought me up. The smile stayed in place and I willed it to reach my eyes. 

I was momentarily blinded by the spotlights, and I somehow managed to walk up to Caesar Flickerman as he enthusiastically announced, "Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the ravishing 'Girl on Fire', Katniss Everdeen Victor of the 73rd Hunger Games!"

He took my hand and raised it up victoriously and I managed to pull off a sheepish smile as the audience practically roared as they nearly seemed to fall out of their seats to cheer. 

Once the noise died down Caesar looked at me encouragingly," Now, Katniss, how about we go sit down over there and you can tell us all about how you must be feeling right now."

I beamed up at him, completely ignoring every fiber in my being that wanted to yell at everyone in the room for not allowing me the liberty of being able to stay in my room until I was shipped back home where I could forget any of this had ever happened.

I did so and said cheerfully," Of course, Caesar."

He lead me over to a very comfortable looking chair that seemed to swallow me up in the plushness. I crossed my legs as daintily as humanly possible for me. _Like a proper young lady_ , I could hear Effie trill at me in my head.

"So," he said surprisingly kind and gentle," I'm sure we all want to know how you're doing during all of this?"

"Well, if I'm being completely honest..." I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to answer as honestly as possible without accidentally saying too much," I'm feeling a little overwhelmed."

He gently patted my hand," I'm sure you are, dear Katniss, but how are you holding up?"

"I'm fine," I lied and smiled reassuringly to him and the Capital...and most definitely all of Panem," I'm just so happy to be here and so very grateful to everyone here in the Capitol."

"Is that so?" he asked seeming surprised," and why is that?"

"Well, everyone has been so unbelievably kind and generous, Cesar," I looks down shyly," They've all been so wonderful, and I want to thank each and everyone of them."

The audience just eat it all up and erupted into cheers once more as Caesar laughed," I'm sure what they mean to say is you're very welcome."

More cheers of agreement.

"And now to the big moment of the night," he goes on," How does it feel to be a Victor?"

_Awful_ , I think, _terrifying_ , _torturous_ , _horrible_. I say none of those things and instead beam," Oh, it's incredible! I almost didn't think I would make it and now I'm here...with everyone and I'm so happy."

"I think the big question is," he says as though he were pretending to think," what are you going to do when you get home?"

"Hug my sister," I says without missing a beat," I miss her more than anything."

He places a hand over his heart in a touched way and pretends to struggle with maintaining his composure," I'm positive she misses you, too."

I laugh," Aw, Caesar, you're going to make me cry..."

He gasps," And ruin your wonderful makeup! We can't have that! Can we, folks?"

People gasp and agree with him and I almost drop my fake smile in disgust. Just when I start to forget such shallow people can exist, they-

"Now you go home and take care of you sister, Katniss," he says more sincerely," You've earned it!"

_By killing people,_ I think, but promptly stop as that brings about a whole new bout of thoughts and I can't have that if I'm to keep playing the Capitol's game. Haymitch said to keep it up until get home, I'll be free. He had better not be lying...

"Speaking of earning it, I'm sure it's about that time...let's take a look at the moments that lead up to this one!" 

I struggle to keep my eyes on the screen. I don't want to look at the tribute's faces, knowing that if I do they'll stay in my nightmares forever. I have to, though, and I somehow manage to keep from screaming out.

They show me stepping up to the stage. How my slight frame and build made me look pathetic and meek in comparison to other tributes. I see the look of panic giving way to determination and finally to resignation on my face as I do so and it's enough to makes me want to roll up into a ball and stay there.

I see myself during the countdown as I catch sight of the bow and arrows I know are meant for me, and I see the inner turmoil brewing in my eyes. I finally decide to completely disregard Haymitch's advice and made a run for them the second the countdown is over. Along the way I was able to snatch a pack of supplies, as well.

Whoever put together the highlights did me no favors. They showed every single one of my vicious moments. The little ones that ultimately lead up to my ultimate transformation from a normal 15 year old girl to deadly Victor....once more.

They showed me hunting. They showed me skinning the animals, gutting them, and then cooking them to eat. They then showed me hiding up in the trees.

They showed me become allies with a younger girl. Layla, from District 4. I couldn't have recognized myself if it hadn't been for her. 

I had gone into full survival mode, and the vicious huntress in me was on full display for all to see. I had never felt more exposed or uncomfortable.

I wanted to block out any and all of my moments with her, but once again couldn't tear my eyes from the screen. She was a year older than Prim and it had been her first Reaping, and I had felt a little responsible for her. 

She was too nice, too innocent. She had wanted to go back to her family. She wanted to see the ocean once more. She told me how beautiful it was. As she described sparkling blue water as far as the eye could see I found myself wanting to see it, too. She seemed to be able to close her eyes and find herself back there and for a few moments I envied her for that. 

They then show me shooting the boy from 2 in the throat without a second thought after he had managed to stab her in the stomach. She asked me to sing to her. A song that would make her feel like her family was with her, that she was safe, and so I sung the only song I could think of. The song I still sung to Prim when she had nightmares. They show me singing and they include every note. 

_Deep in the meadow...under the willow..._

They showed me promise to win, a near repeat of my promise to Prim. So similar, that it brings fresh tears to her eyes. She made me promise to see the ocean on my Victory Tour and to think of her, and I do so in hysterical tears.

They don't show me surrounding her in blue flowers, to mimic the ocean as best I can in the middle of a forest, but they showed my small breakdown. How I had raced up a tree and given into my instinct to curl up into a ball and cry. I would've screamed, but even so wracked with grief and anger and hysteria I had been able to keep myself in check. If I had screamed, I would've been dead on the spot. 

They showed me being brought out of my grief by the sound of the parachute. The moment I saw the bread, clearly from District 4 by the green tint to it, I was able to find a reason to keep going. I had been wracked with guilt over failing Layla, but if the people of District 4 didn't blame me, I might be able to forgive myself someday.

It's every moment after that that I'm displayed in all my glory. Mica and I were the last two tributes and Mica had not been so willing to back down. We made our way to the top of the Cornucopia. He fought with all his might. He had managed to cut me many times. Most notably on the arms, shoulders, and calf. Just watching them happen again almost brings back the cold sensation that had followed as the wounds were exposed to the air. They're so red and bloody and gory that I feel sick, and it's almost comforting that that part of myself isn't completely gone.

I retaliated by using the knife Layla had had on her and sliced his face, arms, and stomach. I'd put up a good fight, but was too small and weak and young. He was big and strong and 16 and seemed to be trained to kill without mercy. Not unusual for District 1. He had finally managed to knock the knife out of my hand when we felt the ground shake. We fought to steady ourselves, but I couldn't and had embarrassingly nearly passed out. I dropped and had been out of it enough to not care what happened to me anymore, but not enough to not know what was going on.

Mica pounced on my weakness, but that was his downfall. He had rushed to finish me off and hadn't noticed the puddle of blood surrounding us. He stepped wrong and lost his footing on the blood-slicked horn and plummeted to the ground. He hit the ground and that was when the mutts attacked him. I don't know how long I waited for the cannon, waited for it to be over so that I could go home. 

It didn't happen. Not for many hours. Because this was the climax of the Hunger Games, and the audience expected a show. I just did my best to block it out. I tucked myself into the Cornucopia and tried to block out the snarls, the growls, the howls of pain from both human and beast as Mica took on the mutt pack. I couldn't understand how he could be surviving until I remembered the body armor protecting him from ankle to neck and I realized what a long night it would be. Mica must have had a knife or sword or something, something he had hidden in his clothes, because on occasion there was the death scream of a mutt or the sound of metal on metal as the blade collided with the horn. 

The next hours were the worst in my life, which is saying something. The cold and then having to listen to Mica slowly suffer and die a slow and painfully agonizing death was too much for me. I got my bow and arrow and made eye contact with him. He saw me and then he managed to make a sound more dead than alive. It seemed to say, please.

And with that I knew what I had to do. I aimed with more purpose than ever before and made a clean shot. Right through his mouth. As soon as the arrow was shot, I tucked myself back in and flinched as the canon fires.

Then the voice of Claudius Templesmith sounded from above. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present the victor of the Seventy-second Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen-the tribute of District Twelve!"

You see me breathe a sigh of relief. I tried to get up, but instead promptly passed out from exhaustion as the world turned black.

There is a hush of silence among the audience before the promptly erupt into cheers once more and Caesar turns to me and smiles," Now, Katniss, all we can really say is- Wow! Am I right, everybody?"

They cheer in agreement.

"Katniss, I know you've had a shock, but I've got to ask. The moment when you decided to shoot Mica instead of letting the mutts finish him off. What was going on in your mind... hm?" he says.

I take a long pause before I answer, trying to collect my thoughts. This is the crucial moment where I can either challenge the Capitol and admit to wanting to spare him from their cruel form of entertainment or that I just wanted to be able to be the one to finish him off so my actions would be completely understandable. It seems to call for a big, dramatic speech, but alI I get out is one almost inaudible sentence. "I don't know, I just... couldn't bear the thought of... having to wait to get home any longer."

"To your family?" asks Caesar kindly.

"Yes," I say," I miss them more than anything." Caesar signs off and it's over. Everyone's laughing and crying and hugging, but I'm still not sure until I reach Haymitch.

"So?" I whisper.

"You're safe," he answers but then adds, "For now..."

* * *

I go back to my room to collect a few things and find there's nothing to take but the mockingjay pin Madge gave me. Someone returned it to my room after the Games. They drive us through the streets in a car with blackened windows, and the train's waiting for us. I barely have time to say goodbye to Cinna, although I'll see him in a few months, when I tour the districts for a round of victory ceremonies. 

I'll be given a lot of useless plaques, and everyone will have to pretend they love me, no matter what I've done or how broken I may be now. The train begins moving and we're plunged into night until we clear the tunnel and I take my first free breath since the reaping. Effie is accompanying me back and Haymitch, too, of course. We eat an enormous dinner and settle into silence in front of the television to watch a replay of the interview. With the Capitol growing farther away every second, I begin to think of home. Of Prim and my mother. Of everyone. I change out of my dress and into a plain shirt and pants. I wash the makeup from my face and put my hair in its braid. 

Once I'm done I can finally recognize myself once more. Katniss Everdeen. The girl from the Seam. Who hunts in the woods to help her family. Who trades in the Hob. I try and find that girl in the mirror as I try to remember who I am and who I am not. I try but I can't.

My skin is the same olive color, but it is flawless now. Perfectly smooth, polished, and glowing. My hair is still the same black color, but it is too silky, too smooth, and again-too perfect. I look like myself, but the Capitol version of myself. The girl I was before...she's gone. Now the girl in the mirror looks hauntingly beautiful. She is stricken with grief, pain, and loss. Beautiful, which is not how I've ever seen myself, but she is broken. She almost looks dead... but not quite.

When the train makes a brief stop for fuel, I'm allowed to go outside for some fresh air. There's no longer any need to guard me. I walk down along the track and try to push the girl in the mirror out of my mind. 

I let my mind think of how everyone will react. How my family will react. Prim, who is so innocent and sweet, is not equipped to have to be near me right now. She shouldn't have to. My mother would most likely react like she alway had. With the cold detachment that I've grown used to since I was 11. 

It's not that she doesn't care or love us, it's that she hasn't been able to truly come back completely after she lost my father. I suppose we weren't enough for her to do so, or maybe she just doesn't know how. Whatever the reason, I still know that a small part of me that still longs for her affection, has missed her, too.

I try and think of what I'll be doing now that I've managed to provide for her and Prim for the rest of their lives. I've haven't done anything else but fight to survive. Now, I suddenly have more money than I could ever need or want, a new house in the Victor's Village, and guaranteed immunity from the games. It seems almost too good to be true.

And just as that thought goes through my mind I feel a hand on my shoulder and see Haymitch who has caught up to me. I look at him confused," Haymitch?"

He frowns and immediately gets down to business," We need to talk, Sweetheart."

"What's wrong?" I ask dreading what he's going to say already. 

"What do you think is going to happen once you get back on this train and get home?" he asks uncharacteristically quiet.

"That I'll go home and see Mom and Prim again," I say wondering where he's going with this.

"And what else?" he demands not liking that answer by the look on his face.

"What else is there?" I ask completely confused.

"What do you think will happen now that you've won?" he tries once more.

"I don't know....I mentor with you from now on?" he stays quiet and I finally snap," What are you getting at, Haymitch?"

And he tells me everything. About the president's possible plans for me and about Finnick and what they have already done to him. How I could be the girl version on him in the Capitol and how Mom and Prim and anyone else I could ever possibly care about are all going to die if I fail or if I don't do what he says. 

I steel myself for the pain that comes with anguish, hopelessness, and grief. The pain that comes from disappointment.... but it never comes I guess I've experienced it so often in my life that I no longer feel it. I just feel numb and I somehow manage to mumble out, "Then I can't fail." 

"If you could just help me get through this until I get home—" I begin. 

"No, Katniss, it's not just this trip," he says. 

"What do you mean?" I say, but instantly regret it. 

"Even if you pull it off, they'll be back in another few months to take us back to the Games. You are a mentor now, every year from here on out. And every year they'll revisit the 'Girl on Fire' and broadcast the details of your private life, and you'll never, ever be able to do anything but do exactly what they want from you." 

The full impact of what he's saying hits me. I will never have a normal life. I will have to be the 'Girl on Fire' forever. The Capitol won't let me do anything but. As for their other plans I have time. They wouldn't do that so soon. They can't. I'm only 14. 

"Do you understand what I mean?" he presses me. 

I nod. He means there's only one future, if I want to keep those I love alive and stay alive myself. I could be on my way to become the next girl version of Finnick Odair...

I don't have time to truly process this because we have to get back to the train. Before he leaves me, Haymitch gives my shoulder a pat and says, "I'm truly sorry, Sweetheart." He heads back to his compartment, most likely to go and drink himself back into oblivion. I'm tempted, oh so tempted, to join him. 

Before he goes I just have one more question," Haymitch?"

He stops and looks at me tiredly.

I hesitate but blurt it out before I lose my nerve," How old was Finnick?"

He looks confused and I stammer out," When he was...when they..."

He frowns and mutters gruffly," They waited a few years...to built up the suspense so around maybe 16."

I feel my blood turn cold and I struggle to not break down into tears right then and there," Oh. Thank you."

I go back to my own room, and climb up onto the bed. I stare into the darkness, thinking about my conversation with Haymitch. Everything he said was true about the Capitol's expectations, and I know that it all rang with truth, even his last comment. He really was sorry for me. I wonder if President Snow will insist I move to the Capitol. If I do, I'll have to face the horrors of the Capitol even after the Reaping and Games are over. I wonder what'll happen to me over the coming years.

I think of Haymitch, they didn't do that to him. He's unmarried, had no family, and has been left to forget his nightmares with drink. He could have had his choice of any woman in the district. And he chose solitude. 

Or not solitude— that sounds too peaceful. More like solitary confinement. Was it because, having been in the arena, he knew it was better than risking the alternative? I don't know what I would do if Prim's name on reaping day and I watched her walk to the stage to her death. But as her sister I could take her place, an option forbidden to our mother. 

My mind searches frantically for a way out. I can't let President Snow condemn me to this. Even if it means taking my own life. I've always wondered why Victors who appeared to have it all turned to self harm, drugs, and alcohol. Now it doesn't seem so crazy. I think of how easy it would be to just walk away. Give into the hopelessness and just end it all.

But I shake my head to remove those thoughts. It's too early to be thinking of such thoughts so soon after fighting against them in the arena. I have to focus on the now and on the people back home whose fates depend on my giving a good show. 

_That's all they want_ , I think. And with that last thought, I give into my sudden exhaustion.

* * *

I wake up in a cold sweat, a scream caught in my throat, as images of a gory, bloody, lifeless Layla flash through my mind in the wake of yet another nightmare. I try and control my breathing and it's then that I hear the cheerful knock that can only belong to Effie.

Sure enough she trills through the door," We're almost home, dear! We need to make sure you look perfect! Open up!"

I groan and contemplate ignoring her, but realize the only reason I would stay in bed would be to suffer through even nightmares. And truth be told, I could use a distraction. And so I slowly get out of bed and open the door. She immediately bursts in and goes straight to the closet. She pulls out a light dusty pink dress. 

I look at her and am about to protest, but she brushes me off before I can even open my mouth to protest," Oh no, dear. You have to wear it, and that it final."

"Couldn't I wear pants or something?" I asked not wanting to face everyone like this.

She shakes her head and pushes me into the bathroom," Definitely not, Katniss! Now put that on while I try and figure out what to do with your hair."

I close the door with a sigh and put the dress on without looking at myself. It's soft, like butter, and not as over the top as some of the other dresses I've worn. This one could pass as an everyday dress, if I were one to ever wear dresses...except, of course, for Reapings....

I shook my head and pushed that aside and steeled myself for whatever Effie had in store for my hair.

She turned as soon as I opened the bathroom door and made me sit down in front of the vanity. She had turned some kind of tool. I remember my prep team using it to curl my hair for my last interview. Effie carefully curled every strand to perfection. 

She then applies some light makeup to my face. Muttering something about finally looking decent again. When I finally look in the mirror I notice I look normal. I don't look anything like I feel on the inside which is good. The less people know, the better.

I manage a smile at Effie and say," Thank you."

She appears surprised but beams nonetheless," Of course, Katniss!"

She must be feeling generous, or my manners might have won me some points because she hands me a pair of comfortable flats instead of heels. I slip them on and then she ushers me out and we join Haymitch.

He looks me over and nods approvingly at Effie. He puts an arm around me, and while he reeks of alcohol the gesture provides some comfort for my nerves.

"Look, Sweetheart," he says seriously," When this train stops you will smile, wave, greet your family, and you will put of the best damn show of your life. This is the first, but it won't be the last, so make it count."

I nod and let him lead me to the train's door leading me to the platform.

I can hear the cameras and people before they even open the door, no that the train has stopped. I vaguely hear Effie say," Smile, Katniss. Smile!"

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and plaster the fake smile that has become almost second nature to me by now.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss has just won the 73rd Hunger games at 15 years old. As she struggles to cope with the trauma and pain and guilt, she also has to deal with the Capitol's anger at her. She is just trying to survive, in the only way she knows how. She will smile, wave, and play the part of the naive girl who could never inspire a rebellion if it means the survival of those she loves.

* * *

3, 2, 1.....

I manage to keep it up until I catch sight of Prim whose tears are running down her face and I hesitate before throwing caution to the wind and running off the platform and enveloping her in a hug.

"Katniss!" she cries and I run my fingers through her thin malnourished hair.

"Im here, Little Duck," I manage to choke out.

Suddenly there are cameras all around me and people throwing a million questions at me.

One man with a creepy looking smile calls out," Katniss! Is there anything you want to say right now?"

The woman next to him shoves a microphone in my face, and I think, ' _No, I don't want to tell you anything.'_ But I bite my tongue and compose myself. I sneak a look at Haymitch who nods slightly and I smile until my cheeks hurt and gush cheerfully," I just can't believe I'm actually home, with my family....it's so wonderful!"

"And do you have anything to say to the people in the Capitol who miss you already?" another woman with a bright green wig trills.

_'I bet they do'_ , I seethe internally, but manage a small bashful laugh," I just want to thank them once more for helping me so much. I wouldn't be here without them, so try not to miss me too much!"

I sound ditsy and annoying and fake, especially to my own ears, but she laughs garishly and replies," We'll try..."

I continue beaming until Haymitch thankfully ushers me towards a black car and shoves them all aside. I try and look apologetic for him, but can't help the rush of gratitude I feel for him. Effie hasn't gotten off of the train so I assume she'll be going back to the Capitol. He helps me into the car, and that's when I catch sight of curly blonde hair and a pair of bright blue eyes watching me sadly. I start to feel my smile waver slightly feeling like I've been found out but then Haymitch motions for Prim and my mom to get in, too, and I push the feeling aside. 

Prim does so immediately, but Mom seems to hesitate. For some reason that makes me uneasy.

Prim beams at me through her tear streaked face," You came back..."

I laugh softly, the kind only Prim can get out of me," I promised didn't I?"

She looks at Haymitch and looks at him with her big blue eyes," Thank you, Haymitch, for bringing my sister home."

He coughs awkwardly," Sure thing, kiddo..."

I smirk and I feel the car stop right in front of the Victor's village. It's a separate community built on intimidating concrete, dotted with flowering bushes. There are twelve houses, each large and looming over us in a way our old house never would or could. Most of them are empty. Now one will belong to me. 

Haymitch helps me out and puts an arm on my shoulder," Almost free, Sweetheart..."

He takes us over to a house next to his, and motions me forward where I open the door.

It looks just like I would've expected. It looks bright, too bright, and way too big for anyone. It looks too perfect, but it doesn't look like home. I already know it probably never will.

Haymitch clears his throat," Well, Sweetheart, I'll leave you to it."

I nod and as he turns to leave, I know that it'll be awhile before he's ever sober again.

"Katniss?" my mom soft voice brings me out of my thoughts.

"Yes?" I say turning towards the first word she's said to me since I stepped off of the train.

She hesitates before saying," We've already brought your things here. They should be up in the Master bedroom."

I nod and then ask," And what about your guys' stuff?"

Prim looks down and Mom stays quiet.

"Will you bring them later, or?" I ask feeling apprehensive.

She doesn't speak and so I turn to Prim," Prim, you guys _are_ going to be staying with me, _right_?"

Prim looks at me with tears as she shake her head.

I turn to look at my mother sharply," Why not?!"

"I just feel like we would be a bother for you, dear," she says not really looking at me.

"You wouldn't," I insist not understanding what she was thinking.

"I just feel like you would be more comfortable here. Now that you're a Victor, we're not exactly-"

"You're my family! Everything I've ever done has been for you," I snap," And what about Prim?"

"I feel like she shouldn't be exposed to this type of an environment," she says," I'm sure that now, with your station-"

"I don't care about my station," I say," But I know that I want Prim to stay here. I can take care of you guys now. I have money and-"

"And I don't think that you-" she starts but then stops to take a deep breath," I just think you would be happier by yourself. You don't need to worry about Prim anymore. I made it through, just like I promised I would..."

I just look at her and look at Prim and then it hits me. The lack of eye contact, the excuses, her hesitation. It hits me right in the gut, and brings angry tears to my eyes and I hiss," How dare you."

She frowns seeming in pain herself," Katniss-"

"No," I say narrowing my eyes dangerously," You don't get to judge me, Mom. Not you. Not after everything you did. You don't get to judge me for _anything_ I've done no matter how awful."

"I wasn't," she starts," I never said-"

I laugh humorlessly," You didn't have to. It's all over your face."

She stays quiet and I power on, the words spewing out before I can even stop myself," I did what I had to do to survive, and if you have the nerve to judge me for that, then I'm sorry for living."

"Don't say that, Katniss!" Prim pleads, but I shake my head tiredly.

"No," I say and look at my mother in disdain," I'm sorry if I disappointed you. Now we're even."

"Excuse me!?" she says looking at me sharply," I was sick! I couldn't control what I did-"

" And I couldn't control what I did in the arena," I say rolling my eyes," But if you're going to judge me for what I've done, go ahead. I can't- _no_ , I won't, stop you."

She looks at me in sadness, like I've disappointed her for the millionth time, and I look away from it. She turns towards the door and walks out leaving Prim with me.

She wraps her skinny arms around me tightly and sobs into me. I can only stand there completely broken once more. 

Prim looks at me through her tears," I tried to change her mind, but she doesn't want to have anything to do with any of this."

I shake my head and try to smile reassuringly," I wouldn't want anything to do with it either, Little Duck, so don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

"I'll try and change her mind," she promises me," We'll be at the feast later, though."

I shake my head," Don't worry if you can't. I'll be fine and I'll still help you whenever I can."

"Help?" she asks confusion written all over her face.

"I'll make sure you get food and I'll send you some money when I can," I say making a mental note to figure out how to do that.

She nods sadly and moves to leave. She turns around last minute and says," For what it's worth, Katniss, she did miss you."

I begin to shake my head but she continues," She was nearly sick with grief when you were reaped. Then she changed, as you changed. She became more distant, and she didn't like how you-"

She didn't like how I transformed from a girl who hunts animals, to other children, I summarize having guessed as much. Well, I suppose there aren't many mothers who would want to see their child become a monster either.

"I heard her say that you were gone" she says in a hushed broken voice," That you weren't the same Katniss. I think that's why she's doing this. She wants to hold on to the memory of who you were."

"But now I'm here and there's nothing any of us can do about that, Prim," I finish for her reaching out to dry her tears," Go home and I'll see you soon. Okay?"

She nods sadly and leaves, my mother having waited outside the door the whole time.

The welcome home feast comes too soon for my liking. I wear an uncomfortable but beautiful dress, with a pair of equally as uncomfortable but beautiful shoes, my face is slathered in makeup, and my hair is out in long waves down my back. Haymitch helps me out of the car that takes both of us to the middle of the square. I smile and wave at the cameras waiting for me, and probably squeeze the life out of Haymitch's arm, but he doesn't complain. 

I am then helped up on the platform I stood a few weeks ago when I was reaped and give a small, scripted speech about how happy, thankful, and grateful I am for the Capitol's infinite generosity. 

Thankfully, it's over before I can blink and I am seated at a table where my mom, Prim, and Gale and his family sit. 

Mom looks at me with a tight smile," Say hello, to your cousins, Katniss, they missed you so much. "

Cousins? I don't have time to think over the absurdity of it all as I force myself to beam at them gush of how happy I am to see them.

I can feel Gale's unrelenting stare, which slowly starts to morph into a full on glare in Haymitch's direction. I suppose he doesn't like how silly I'm acting, but that just makes two of us.

He ignores me for the whole night, and I ignore him right back. I don't care about much anymore, and I definitely won't care about how awful or silly or stupid he must think I've become.

Madge comes up to me and hugs me," I'm so glad you're home."

I hesitate before hugging her back," Thank you."

We talk about random things like each others dresses, the people around us, the food, and how odd it all feels. How surreal that it's even happening and that it is all for me. Prim even comes to join us and I surprise myself by being able to laugh a bit and relax. 

Madge then has to leave to go talk with other people but she makes me promise to visit her when I can. I surprisingly say yes and find that I mean it.

I then dance with my sister, the mayor, even some Peacekeepers. Cray had left me feeling a bit revolted. His hand traveled a bit too far down for my liking, but thankfully the song ended before I had to drop my happy facade. 

My favorite, by far, was Darius. He smirked at me as he approached and held out his hand in an over exaggerated movement," Care to dance, Girl on Fire?"

I give him an annoyed look as he tried to sneak in a kiss to my hand. But he just laughs as I move to pull away my hand before he can do so and he pulls me onto the dance floor.

We dance and as he leaves he gently tugs on one of my curls, in the same way he used to tug on my braid. The gesture makes me begrudgingly smile.

Towards the end of the night, I see one last person come up to me. Peeta Mellark is standing in front of me, with his ever present smile on his face.

"Hi, Katniss," he says.

"Hi," I say at a loss for words remembering his impossibly sad eyes just a few hours ago..

Thankfully he doesn't seem to be as he asks," Want to dance?"

My feet are starting to hurt in my heels, but I don't seem to feel them much when I find myself lost is his impossibly kind blue eyes. I know that if I really didn't want to dance he wouldn't make me, unlike some of the others. For some reason, just by knowing that, I find myself actually wanting to dance with him.

And so I nod, and he gently leads me on to the dance floor where he takes my hand delicately, like it was made of glass. He holds me at a respectable distance and smiles happily at me.

He goes on to say how happy he is that I'm back, how amazing what I did for Layla was, and then, very shyly, how pretty I look tonight.

I find myself blushing slightly at the last comment, but smile sincerely and thank him quietly.

The song ends and he leads me back to where Haymitch is.

"There you are, Sweetheart," he says," We've got to go."

I nod feeling surprisingly a bit disappointed I didn't get to talk to Peeta, but push the feeling away," Okay."

Peeta smiles sadly at me," Goodnight, Katniss, Haymitch."

"Goodnight," I say and Haymitch just grunts in response.

I quickly find Prim and hug her tightly goodbye. 

I then follow Haymitch and go back into the car. We drive in silence and the only time I acknowledge him is when he helps me out of the car so I don't trip on my heels.

He then stumbles into his own house, and I go into mine. As soon as the door closes, I feel my legs give out. I am on the floor staring numbly at the door of my new house, full of emptiness all around. I am alone. Truly alone, and try to find a reason to bother getting up from the floor. I try, but I realize I no longer have one. I'm not in the Capitol, I'm not going to be on camera for a good few months, and no one is here to judge me anymore. I can finally drown myself in my self pity and loathing and shut this whole nightmare out. 

And I do. I drag myself to the bedrooms upstairs and open all the doors. I finally reach one where the closets are open slightly. I open them and dig through the stuff. I see it brimming with clothes already, mostly Capitol quality, and I shove it aside. 

I find an old shirt of mine, the dark green color of the forest. I consider an old pair of jeans before finding a pair of impossibly soft black leggings. I grab them and shed the stupid dress off. I put my clothes on, braid my hair, and curl up into the huge bed that immediately seems to swallow me up completely as I sink into it.

I don't turn off the light, it's calming, and makes me feel safe. I don't know how long I stay there in a fetal position, but it feels like an eternity as I lay there almost unmoving. 

* * *

It's a good 4-5 days before I am forced to leave my bed. I fall asleep at some point from exhaustion, but always wake up screaming. The next thing I know I'm being shaken awake by a loud gruff voice that can only belong to one person," Haymitch!"

"You okay, Sweetheart?" he asks in what could almost be concern.

I nod as I try to steady myself.

"Good," he says," because I'm here to ask where that family of yours is?"

"They're not here," I say looking down trying to push my oily stringy mop of hair from my face.

He narrows his eyes," What do you mean? Where are they?"

"Home," is all I say and I move to lay back down and hope he leaves.

He stops me and frowns," Why aren't they here, Sweetheart?"

I close my eyes and huff already annoyed at him. It would be a lot better if he stopped himself from caring," My mother didn't want to stay here. She felt it would be better to live in the Seam."

He looks at me carefully and then sighs," I'm sorry, Sweetheart, I didn't stop to think why they hadn't..."

"I'm fine," I snap and he laughs dryly.

"If by fine you mean stuck in a fetal position as you're being plagued by dreams of the dead's blood on your hands," he says humorlessly.

I look at him sharply," How did you-?"

"You think you're the only one who suffers nightmares?" he asks almost condescendingly.

I don't answer and so he continues," Well, you're not, and you won't be the last."

"How do you stand it?" I ask quietly.

"I don't," he mutters," You just get through it as best you can, numb yourself to the pain when you can, and find ways to distract yourself the rest of the time."

I look at him pointedly,"If by distraction you mean drinking yourself into oblivion-"

"I do," he quips with a smirk. It's so irritating that I find myself scowling at him like I used to do before the Games.

He notices and motions me to follow him," Go shower, you stink, and then we're leaving."

I glare at him," Look who's talking!"

He says nothing and then I sigh," Where are you going?"

"To get some food," he says," You're coming with me."

I shake my head tiredly," I don't want to."

He waves me off and practically drags me into the bathroom,"I know for a fact you didn't eat last night, and coincidentally, I didn't either."

"Why do you care?" I snap.

"Because," he says," If you really want to kill yourself, I doubt slowly starving yourself to death is the way to go."

And since I have nothing to say to that, I mutely shut the bathroom door and shower as quickly as possible. When I'm dressed I head downstairs where my head is already starting to hurt from dehydration. He hands me a glass of water, which I gulp down gratefully. 

I then follow him into Town.

I get a few looks which could either be from being in Town or being seen with Haymitch. Either way, I try and ignore it.

Haymitch hands me a pouch of coins and a bag to carry things, but I as I start to refuse he brushes me off," They're yours. Not mine. Go wild."

He then walks towards the direction of the Hob where I can almost guarantee he'll be stopping by Ripper's stall. This makes me doubt whether he truly cared whether I got something to eat or just needed an excuse to stock up on more liquor.

Thinking it best not to think about it, I try and decide what to do. I look around me and try and think of what I need to get.

It feels weird being there with coins instead of game, but I try not to think about it. In the end I go off in the direction of the Hob. I could do with some of Greasy Sae's soup, which looks to be some kind of mixture of carrots and some unknown meat. 

She smiles kindly at me," It's nice to see you back."

I nod and try to smile as I eat the soup.

She's wiping a few bowls as she asks me sympathetically," How are you holding up?"

"I'm just happy it's all over," I whisper. 

"I know," says Greasy Sae. "But you've already gotten through the worst of it, I'm sure. Be happy." 

_If you only knew,_ I think, but don't say anything. She continues," So what're you doing here exactly?"

"Haymitch thought I should get out for a bit," she says," Get some food and stuff."

She nods," He still looking out for you?"

"In his own way," I say as I finish the bowl of soup and hand it back to her," Thanks for the food."

She smiles and pats my hand understandingly," Anytime."

I jump off of the counter and make my way aimlessly through the stalls. I get random things. Things like oil, flour, sugar, string, eggs, and so on. Some of them will be useful, like the eggs when I don't feel like going out, but am hungry. Others, like the string, are just so that I can spread my money out among the different stalls.

I consider heading home, but realize I don't exactly want to go into that big empty house until I absolutely have to. The pouch is still pretty full, so I make my way into town.

I stop by the different stores. I get some random fruit, sweets, and any random thing I first see. Some of the shop owners start to narrow their eyes at me as I enter before they seem to realize who I am, and the pouch of coins in my hand, and they immediately usher me in. 

I then pass by one last shop. The bakery. I find myself outside the window, and stop to admire the cakes on display. They're every bit as detailed and beautiful as I remember them. Back when I would bring Prim to look at them. They also remind me of the Baker's son...of Peeta....

I am so lost in bittersweet thoughts and memories that I don't immediately react to a deep kind voice calling my name," Katniss?"

I start and stammer as I come face to face with none other than the kind gentle baker, himself," Mr. Mellark?"

He smiles gently," How are you doing?"

I try to smile back and find it surprisingly easy with him," I'm good."

He motions to the cakes," They're something, right?"

I nod," They're very beautiful."

"Would you like to come inside?" he asks," Or were you just passing by?"

I hesitate a moment but then realize a few loaves of bread wouldn't be such a bad idea, and I nod.

He puts an arm around me as he leads me inside the Bakery. I am suddenly hit by the wonderful smells of vanilla, butter, frosting, and so many other amazing things. I've realize I've never actually been inside. I would always trade through the back door, away from the Baker's witch of a wife.

He leads me over to their selections," Did you have anything in mind?"

I nod my head," I could use 2 loaves of bread, please."

He smiles and then asks," What kind?"

I'm about to ask for the regular, coarse generic kind, I would always trade for before I remember. I no longer have to trade squirrels for the cheapest loaves. I can get anything I want. The realization almost makes me dizzy.

I make my decision and then say," Two loaves of the white bread, please."

He chuckles and calls out," Peeta! Two white loaves, please!"

I freeze at his name and can't help but hold my breath as he walks into the front carrying a tray of different breads, from the kitchen I suppose," Here, Dad, two white-Katniss?"

I bite my lip as I remembers his bright blue eyes looking at me in sadness and concern just the other day and again when we were dancing and I can only just stammer out," Peeta."

"You know my name?" he asks incredulously as though the very thought was crazy.

"Of course I do, you danced with me at the feast," I snap and then add," We've been in the same class since Kindergarten!"

"Oh, I didn't mean," he starts with hesitation and then smiles," It's just good to see you again, Katniss."

I don't know why it would be, but I already feel bad for snapping at him. I can't exactly ignore the sheer happiness radiating from his smile and so I say," I'm sorry, and thank you, it's good to be home."

His dad clears his throat as he takes the tray from Peeta," Are these all of them?"

I take a look at the different loaves and buns and my breath catches in my throat as I point to one specific loaf," What's in that one?"

Peeta looks at me sad but hopeful as his dad answers," Raisins and nuts."

"Can I get one of those, too?" I ask softly and avoid looking at Peeta.

He nods and bags it for me.

"How much will that be?" I ask.

"10 coins," he replies cheerfully.

I take out the coins and hand them to him," Thank you."

He reaches over and places a cheese bun in my empty hand," And here you go."

"How much-?" I start to ask but he waves me off," Don't worry about it!"

I start to protest but Peeta only smiles reassuringly," Just take it, Katniss. It's okay."

I frown but am suddenly interrupted by a certain drunk who decides to put his arm around my shoulder and I jump," There you are, Sweetheart, you almost had me worried there."

"Almost?" I quip dryly.

He shrugs," Well, at least I'm being honest...."

I roll my eyes as he walks past me and asks for 2 loaves of bread, too. He pays and I take a hesitant bite of the cheese bun. My eyes widen and I instantly finish it in 3 more bites. It's so fluffy, and the cheese is so gooey. It is easily my new favorite food. _Right up there with lamb stew_ , I think wryly.

I look up suddenly as I feel someone staring at me. My cheeks flush and he grins as he walks over to me," Pretty good, huh?"

I nod sheepishly," Yeah, but you probably already knew that."

He smiles wryly," And why would you say that?"

I frown slightly," You've probably eaten dozens of them by now to know."

He looks at me sadly and shakes his head," Not exactly. We never get to really eat what we bake."

"Never?" I ask incredulously.

"Not unless it's gotten really old or stale," he says and his expression is kind of shy.

My gut wrenches at the thought of this kind boy living off of the bread and goods too hard and stale for anybody to want. I realize with a sad start that the bread he burned for me, might have been fresher than anything he'd ever eaten, himself. I didn't think it possible to feel even worse for not having thanked him.

I open my mouth and say," Peeta?"

He looks at me expectantly," Yes?"

I bite my lip and look at Haymitch trying to decide what rolls go better with his white liquor," I just...thank you."

He looks at me, confusion very evident on his face," For what?"

I close my eyes and try to power on," You probably don't remember, but when we were 11, you threw me the two loaves of bread and you-"

"From when we were kids?" he asks incredulously," Katniss, its okay. You don't need to thank me. It was so long ago-"

"Exactly," I say not willing to back down," You may not realize this, but that bread saved me and my family, but I never thanked you for it. I almost never did..."

He closes his eyes as he seems to grimace in pain," Don't ever say that, Katniss, but you're welcome."

"If there's anything you need," I say," Just tell me, okay? I owe you."

He shakes his head gently," You don't owe me anything, Katniss, so don't worry about it."

"No, I do! There must be something you want," I say trying to reason with him. The sooner my debt is paid, the sooner I can go on not caring.

He hesitates before he smiles," There is one thing-"

"Anything," I immediately say.

He laughs and then looks at me hopefully," How about being friends?"

"Friends?" I stammer out.

"Yes," he says hesitantly," Unless, of course, you don't want to-"

"It's not that," I say but turn my head to the side," I just don't know why you would even want to be friends with me."

He smiles wryly and shakes his head," You still don't realize the effect you can have, Katniss..."

I frown but then decide I'm better off brushing that off," I still don't know what that has to do with anything, or why you would ever be willing to put up with me, but I suppose we could be...friends..."

He beams at me as though I've just given him something valuable and says," Good, thank you, Katniss."

I pause and am about to say something when Haymitch rings up his purchases and looks at me questioningly. I nod and turn to Peeta and his father," Thank you, and goodbye."

"Good bye, Katniss," the Baker says," Come by anytime!"

Peeta nods," See you around, Katniss."

I nod and Haymitch is already out the door as I follow after him.

As soon as we're far enough he asks gruffly," You and the Mellark boy, huh?"

I look at him sharply," Excuse me?"

He laughs as he takes a quick swig from his flask," I'd have to be blind not to have seen that."

"We're friends...now..." I say annoyed," Or at least he wants to be."

"Do you want to be 'friends'?" he asks carefully.

I think back to the list of people I have to protect from Snow already and wonder if I really want to add Peeta to that list and say quietly," I don't know."

"Well you'd better figure it out soon, Sweetheart," he warns, no doubt already knowing my train of thought," Before it's too late to decide yourself."

I nod and am about to head inside the gated community that is the Victor's Village with him when I see a familiar face racing towards us," Gale?"

Haymitch looks at me and at him and then shrugs as he turns and makes his way inside.

He rushes towards me and takes a cautious look at me," Catnip?"

I look at him tiredly," Right here..."

He laughs wryly and holds out his arms in question.

I hesitate but then accept his hug. It feels a little awkward, but not unwelcome. 

He then takes a good look at me," What have they done to you over there?"

I grimace," You don't want to know..."

"Katniss," he says frowning," Of course I do. I've been worried sick and then you show up a completely different person. I didn't even recognize you."

I narrow my eyes at him," Well, what did you expect? I was in the Hunger Games. They tend to change a person....Look at Haymitch."

He glares at me," Is it true you went to Town and the Hob with him?"

I look up at him sharply," How the hell would you know? You ignored me the day I came back, and you haven't spoken to me since."

"People talk," he says ignoring my anger," I was just upset. Seeing you like that, was hard to watch."

"Well, then don't bother watching me at all from now on because that's going to be who I am from now on," I say with a huff and turn to leave.

He stops me and glares at me some more," Don't let them do this to you, Catnip! You're better than the stupid Capitol. You-"

"I am trying to survive, Gale," she snaps," I'm trying to survive in the only way I can, and if that's not good enough for you...then don't watch. My mom isn't, either."

"What do you mean by survive?" he demands all of his anger gone.

I look at him and then decide that I can't tell him anymore," Goodbye, Gale."

And I run back to my _wonderful_ new home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss has just won the 73rd Hunger games at 15 years old. As she struggles to cope with the trauma and pain and guilt, she also has to deal with the Capitol's anger at her. She is just trying to survive, in the only way she knows how. She will smile, wave, and play the part of the naive girl who could never inspire a rebellion if it means the survival of those she loves.

* * *

It's another good week before I bother leaving my house. Haymitch doesn't bother checking up on me. He's most likely drinking himself into oblivion with the new stash of liquor he got from Ripper the other day.

I stay inside everyday. I stay in bed almost all day. I go downstairs to eat something simple. Usually an egg, or some bread. I only shower when not even I can stand how oily and smelly my hair becomes. It's not even that hard to clean up anymore. The shower is easily one of the better things in this house.

Prim would come by a few times. She would usually come by after school. She would tell me all about her school work, her teachers, her friends. She would gush about the newest patients Mom had let her help with. Then I would give her some of the money I'd found stashed away. I assume that's where Haymitch had gotten the coins the other day. 

I gave her a new pouch every time. She hesitated at first, but I told her that I had more money that I knew what to do with. That and the fact that I hadn't gone hunting yet added to me wanting to help them in some way.

Gale hadn't talked to me since that day. I can't say it doesn't hurt, but I also can't say that it's unwelcome either. I'd prefer not to listen to him bash who I'm becoming. Who I will become. It's not like it'll do me any good. Whatever happens now, is not up to me. I suppose, I'm going to become some Capitol puppet, and I'll be expected to do so without protest. 

I'd given Prim a few extra coins to give to Hazelle. I know that Gale wouldn't want that, but I feel the need to make up for not hunting anymore. Hazelle has three other mouths to feed besides herself and Gale. She hasn't said anything to Prim, and I think she's passed it off as money from washing clothes.

I spend my week laying around wishing I could be rash enough to turn to drinking. The nightmares are getting worse, and I'm getting less and less sleep. I've feel weak, too. I don't think an egg or two a day with some bread is very nourishing, but when I feel a bit especially bad I eat an apple or two.

It isn't until Sunday after a particularly gruesome nightmare, that I wake up to knocking. I look at the clock in my room noticing that it is too early for Prim to be visiting.

They knocked again, and I get out of bed and go downstairs, glad to have finally showered the day before.

I open the door and come face to face with the last person I thought I'd see," Peeta?"

He smiles and then says," Hi, Katniss, can I come in?"

I look at him confused but nod and he walks in with a bag in hand.

"What are you doing here?" I can't help but ask," Shouldn't you be working at the bakery?"

He grins and shakes his head," Today's my day off. It's Sunday and my Dad can usually handle the few customers we get."

"What about your brothers?" I say wondering why they wouldn't be helping.

He looks surprised, he probably didn't realize I knew much about him, but he replies easily enough," My oldest brother Barley is already married to the sweet shop owner's daughter Daffodil and Rye is going to get the Bakery, but Dad really only asks him to help during the holiday weekends. They don't need me."

I nod but then look at him sharply," You still didn't answer my question. Why are you here?"

He looks at me sadly and hesitates before saying," When was the last time you left this house, Katniss?"

I glared at him," That's none of your business!"

"Maybe not," he concedes gently," But that doesn't mean I can't still worry."

"If you just wanted to check up on me," I hiss," Then you can just go, I'm fine!"

He laughs dryly," I'm pretty sure you're not, when was the last time you ate an actual meal?"

"That doesn't matter," I huff and turn to stalk off upstairs.

He catches my arm and I try and get him to let go, but he holds me by the shoulders firmly," It matters to me."

I stop struggling and find nothing but sincerity and kindness and...something else in his eyes.

He smiles at me and then leads me over to the bag he brought and set on a chair," Are you hungry?"

I hesitate, but he adds," If you are, and you don't mind showing me to the kitchen...I can make you something to eat."

I bite my lip and consider it. It's really tempting, and an actual meal would be wonderful.... 

I nod and say," Come on then."

I lead him to the kitchen that is still sparkling clean despite me not having cleaned anything. He immediately sets to work and gets out a bunch of pots and pans that I didn't even realize I had. He took out some meat, he probably got at the butchers, rummaged through the cabinets for some spices, and some vegetables. He sliced everything up and put it all into a pot. 

"That should do it for the soup," he said grinning at me. He moved over to the bag again and brought out some other ingredients before asking," Do you have some flour?"

I look at him confused," I think so, but why?"

He flushes a bit embarrassed," I was going to make you some bread, but I wasn't able to sneak some flour as easily as everything else..."

I gasped," Peeta! You snuck these ingredients from your parents?!"

He shrugged like it wasn't that big of a deal," Not all of them. Some of them, I bought with my own money. I just took a few vegetables, and the yeast and so on..."

I stay silent knowing just how much trouble it really had been for him before pointing to the pantry behind him. He goes inside and comes out with a bag of flour, sugar, salt, and oil. He gets a bowl and mixes the ingredients together. Then he rolls up his sleeves and mixes them thoroughly before beginning to knead them.

I watch as he puts it into a pan and then sets it aside. He then turns and smiles at me," Now they just need to rise for a bit before I can put them in the oven."

I look at him carefully and ask once more," Why are you here, Peeta?"

He looks at me tiredly," Katniss-"

"No, Peeta!" I say already done with trying to see what he wants," I need to know why you're here, why you're doing all of this, and why you're being so damn nice!"

He looks at me like he doesn't know if he should say something and then shakes his head with a rueful smile," We're friends now, right?"

I stop and mentally take a step back," What?"

"You asked me," he says patiently," what I wanted in exchange for the bread from when we were kids. I said I wanted to be friends."

And then I remember, and I feel like a complete idiot," Oh..."

He grins," Yes, oh..."

"But that still doesn't explain all of this," I say gesturing to the entire meals he's preparing.

"Friends don't let other friends starve, Katniss," he says and his voice cracks a little maybe remembering that day in the rain. I hope he is because I know I am.

"Besides," he says on a lighter note," I like doing this. Maybe we could even bring some food over to Haymitch..."

"You want to bring food to _Haymitch_?" I ask him dryly.

He laughs," Well, yeah, despite his less than charming demeanor...He did bring you back alive, and that's deserving of some thanks, on my part."

I give him a rueful expression," You can do what you want, but I doubt he'll be able to hold anything down right now."

He laughs a little at that," He most likely won't, but this'll still be good for a few days if he changes his mind."

I nod and then he goes on to tell me about his week. He talks of the customers at the bakery, of his brothers who make it a point of teasing him mercilessly, and of his father who obviously loves them all. I don't mention the fact that that he fails to mention his mother.

I don't talk much. I don't tell him about how I'd been contemplating joining Haymitch's constant inebriated state, how I'd resorted to slipping Prim money for food, how the Capitol isn't happy with me, Snow's plans for me, how I don't think I'll be able to hunt again because of all of this, or even my fight with Gale. And he dutifully doesn't mention it or comment on how Prim and my mother aren't living with me.

Once the food is ready he serves me a generous portion, and only sits down to eat with me when I threaten not to eat at all if he doesn't, too. The soup is hearty and filling, and the fresh bread is comforting. The house seems less empty and haunting smelling of bread and food, and with him sitting across from me.

After we finish eating he asks me," Want to go give some to Haymitch now?"

I hesitate wondering if I really want to go over to Haymitch's house and risk his drunk demeanor getting to me, or stay. Then I realize if I stay, I will be staying in this house alone once more and nod instead.

He gets a loaf of bread and pours some soup in a container. Then he sets everything else aside. I help put the bread in the pantry as he put the rest of the soup in a bigger container and places it in my shiny refrigerator. He frowns a bit noticing how empty it is.

I don't comment on it and he just smiles at me kindly and we walk over to Haymitch's.

Peeta stops to knock on the door, but since I'm not really expecting him to answer, I just shake my head and open it and walk in. I walk in only to regret it immediately at the revolting smell. There are bottles everywhere, piles that look suspiciously like vomit, dirty dishes, dirty clothes, and one unconscious drunk passed out on the dinner table, snoring his head off.

I roll my eyes and look at Peeta," You really want to do this?"

He nods confused and then I sigh tiredly and say," Haymitch!"

No reaction and I walk over to him in a huff," Wake up, Haymitch!"

Still no reaction. I frown and then see a pitcher on the table. I grab it and walk over to the sink. I then fill it and look and Peeta," Stay back, he has a knife..."

Before Peeta can stop me I dump the pitcher of water on him and spring out of the way, myself. A guttural animal sound comes from his throat. He jumps up, the chair suddenly shoved aside and knife poised to attack. He says a few choice words in my general direction, and slashes the air before he realizes what he's doing. 

"What are you doing?" he says tiredly and more than a little annoyed. 

"We brought you some food," I say. 

"What?" he says. 

"It wasn't my idea," I insist and point at Peeta," It was his."

He turns to look at him sharply and then just turns back to me. "And why am I all wet?" 

"You wouldn't wake up," I say. "Look, do you want the food or not?" 

He just sighs and grumbles yes. Peeta sets the loaf of bread he brought on the table and holds out his hand to Haymitch. 

"Should have just woken me up yourself, boy," says Haymitch, passing over his knife," Maybe then I wouldn't have possibly gotten pneumonia." He pulls off his filthy shirt, revealing an equally disgusting undershirt, and tries to dry himself down. 

Peeta just smiles and douses Haymitch's knife in white liquor from a bottle on the floor. He wipes the blade clean on his shirttail and slices the bread. 

It's not until he's handed Haymitch the heel that he even talks for the first time. "Aren't you thankful she got you up at all?" 

"No," he says," I was pretty content lying in here minding my own business without you or Sweetheart over there prancing on into my house and completely annoying the hell out of me."

"You mean lying in your own filth?" he says back surprisingly sharp. 

Haymitch tosses his shirt somewhere into the mess and just shrugs. 

I look between them before sighing tiredly," Ignore him, Peeta, what he means to say is thank you, but he's too stubborn to actually say it." 

Haymitch just grumbles once more and continues to mutter away. he manages to keep the food down and when he's done all I say is, "Take a bath, Haymitch." 

He laughed sharply and then takes a swig from a random bottle. I look at Peeta who nods and says goodbye to Haymitch and follows me out.

A soon as we're out I surprise myself by saying teasingly," So was it worth it?"

He laughs easily and just shakes his head," It could have been better, but I'm not complaining."

"Then you're a much better person than me," I say simply not bother to acknowledge how true that really is.

He just shakes his head and smiles softly," Not possible, Katniss."

I don't reply and instead look forward and notice how late it's getting. I frown sadly trying not to look towards my house apprehensively.

As we get to my doorstep he smiles sadly," I guess I have to go now. I can't be late for dinner."

I nod just as sadly," I'm sorry I took up so much of your day. You probably could have done something else..."

He looks at me for a split moment before shaking his head and merely saying," Don't apologize, Katniss, there's nothing I would've rather been doing than spending the day with you."

He says it so sincerely that I can almost believe him. Almost.

* * *

My days pass by, but this time I feel less empty and lost. The Boy With the Bread has saved me once more. I make it a point of getting up each and every morning. It helps keep the nightmares from dragging impossibly long even if I have to run to the shower more often than not. I let the water fall around me and try not to connect the water to Layla.

I head to the Hob and get some food from Greasy Sae. I stay there for a bit and she tries to talk to me and sometimes I can bring myself to actually join her. I sometimes run into Madge when she's running some errands and we catch up. I then head back home after buying random things and brace myself for the stench that Haymitch surrounds himself in, and drop off whatever food I can get.

I only wake him up when I've noticed he hasn't been up for a day or two in a row. As much as I wouldn't appreciate being drenched awake, I refuse to have him leave me in this mess by myself.

And so my days continue. It seems like I might finally be reaching an understanding with my new life when I get a call from Effie. I had been enjoying the chicken Peeta had finished making on his day off. He'd taken to coming over on Sundays and so far had yet to not come. The second the phone rang, I almost jumped out of my skin. No one has a phone here except Haymitch and maybe the Mayor. I'm not expecting a call from either of them so I almost don't answer. Unfortunately the sheer terror of what it could be gets to me that I look at Peeta before getting up stiffly to answer it, " Hello...?"

"Katniss, how are you my dear?" I heard Effie high pitched trill in my ears and had to pull my ear slightly away from the phone.

I do, however, visibly relax and find I can suddenly breathe a little easier," Effie?"

"Katniss, darling, you're all anyone can talk about over here," she goes on," I just called to tell you that I have sent you a list of hobbies you are able to use for your Victory Tour. I've also sent you the things you'll need to get started on any that might catch your eye!"

As if on cue I hear a knock on the door and Peeta raises an eyebrow before he gets up and opens the door. He opens the doors only to have what seems like an army of people walk in with box after box after box of who knows what...

" I don't know what to say, Effie..." I trail off looking at it all," Thank you?"

"You're welcome, dear," she says," Do let me know what you decide upon, I'll be calling to see what I need to send more of! Bye!"

I heard a distinct click telling me that Effie had hung up and I slowly placed the phone back where it was supposed to go and just looked on as the last of the boxes were brought in and the people left just as soon as they arrived. 

Peeta walked up next to me and raised a blond eyebrow," Do you know what all of this is?"

I tilted my head and shrugged," Effie just called to tell me that she was sending me some things for my new hobby..."

"Hobby?" he asked," Do you know what you're going to do?"

I shook my head," I honestly don't really care... I typically just want to sit around and do nothing nowadays... before the only hobby I had was going out to h-"

I trail off thinking it best not to continue that sentence but Peeta nods nevertheless and just rolls up his sleeves," Well, we should still see what hobbies you're supposed to choose from, right?"

I sigh but give a reluctant nod and then open box after box after box of supplies. Everything from sewing supplies, cookbooks and tools, a few instruments, to art supplies and more. I honestly had no real interest in any of it, but Peeta seemed to be almost itching to touch the art supplies. So much so that I didn't think twice before handing him the box as it was, filled to the brim with canvases, paints, brushes, and so on. He hesitated in accepting it, but another look at my insistence broke him and he took the box with sheepish delight. I made a mental note to let Effie know that I would be trying art for a bit, in the hope that she would send more things.

I lingered on the instruments, but they only made me remember my father and his love of music and his voice which was so clear and high and beautiful that even the birds stopped to listen.

Peeta noticed this and quietly commented," You could always try singing."

I look at him sharply," I don't sing."

He smiles ruefully and says," Not anymore, but on the first day of school you sang 'The Valley Song'."

I soften a bit in my confusion," I don't remember that."

He laughs sadly," I do...it was a very...memorable day for me. Anyways, I swear I remember that when you sang, even the birds stopped to listen."

I frown at him," They used to do that for my father...they wouldn't do that for me."

"I think they would," he says looking at me solemnly," They weren't the only ones who fell silent when they heard you sing your little heart out."

I shake my head," I don't know if I'd even want to sing for the Capitol...when I did sing, it was with my dad. He's gone now and I'd rather not have him have anything to do with this."

He puts a comforting hand on my shoulder, "Hey, it was just a thought. You don't have to do it if you don't want to."

Little did I know that a thought would be all it would take for my life to be taken right from out of my hands.

* * *

It wasn't until another 2 weeks that everything went wrong. I woke up to the sound of knocking at my door. It was a weekday, and unless Haymitch suddenly decided to grace me with his presence, I wasn't expecting anyone.

I head downstairs in my confusion and open the door only to come face to face with none other that our beloved President of Panem.

I was so shocked that I felt my knees buckle a bit, but I catch myself somehow and find my voice enough to croak out," President Snow."

He just smiles in what I assume is supposed to be a friendly way, but really just makes my skin crawl," Miss Everdeen, a pleasure to see you. May I come in?"

He asks what appears to be a genuine question, but is really a command and I stand aside almost numb. My mind is racing and I don't know what to think. Haymitch told me I would have more time before I became the next Finnick Odair...

He seems to sense my terror and pats my shoulder," Don't look so terrified, my dear, I come bearing good news."

"Oh?" I ask robotically.

He nods and continues seating himself on a chair in my overly lavish living room," I think you'll be happy to know that I've found your new hobby?"

I look up at him sharply," My hobby?"

" Yes," he says casually," It has been brought to my attention that you have a supposedly amazing singing voice."

My eyes widen at that, and I don't know what to think. The only way he would know that is if he heard Peeta say that. To do that the house would have to be.... 

_Of course the house is bugged_ , I think bitterly. They wouldn't allow their precious Victors the opportunity to not have their every word monitored.

His taunting voice brings me out of my thoughts," I would very much be happy to have you perform at the Capitol. "

"For my Victory Tour?" I ask confused. 

He laughs," Yes, of course for your Tour, but I was thinking of having you be a regular performer in the Capitol. You know how much they adore you, and I'm sure you would be very happy to go back to the people who care so much about you and want to see you perform. 

"And I'm sure singing is much preferred to my _original_ plans for you," he says with what is almost a smirk that he is trying to hide behind a smile and I shiver.

"What exactly do you want me to do?" I ask almost afraid to do so.

He grins and just shakes his head," I think it would be best if we don't lie to one another, don't you?"

I can't do anything but nod and he continues," I want you to prove to everyone watching you, that the girl they saw in your games was for show. I want you to become nothing more than another simple minded young girl who wanted to live and is now enjoying everything she has won. The fame, the fortune, the clothes, and so on.

"In the Dark Days, there were many young stars who put on a show and I want you to be every bit as silly, vapid, and unassuming as them. Prove to everyone that you're not the rebellious girl capable of inspiring a nation to revolt."

I look at him even more confused," But why? What did I do?"

He looks at me for a moment and then shakes his head," Of course you didn't do it on purpose. You don't have it in you... And so I will forgive you for now, but you have lit quite a few sparks in several districts and now you have to put an end to them. I hope you don't disappoint me."

He stands up and looms over me in a way that reminds me of a snake staring it's prey in the eye before it strikes," I will have your escort send you everything you need for this to happen. You will act the part, look the part, and you will appear as though you wouldn't have it any other way... We wouldn't want anything to happen to your dear sister or mother...or even that young man who brought your voice to my attention...I hope for all your sakes, he isn't just being biased.... Good day, Miss Everdeen."

"Good day, President Snow."

And with that he is gone and in storms in Haymitch who looks terrified," What happened, Sweetheart?!"

I don't answer immediately and just stare at the closed door behind him. I look up at him still feeling numb and manage to croak out," I don't know."

He runs a hand through his greasy hair and sighs tiredly," You have to give me something, girl, what did the President want?"

I manage to snap out of it as I remember my confusion and say," He wants me to sing."

"Sing?" he asked as confused as I am," Are you sure?"

I nod," He heard something that Peeta said, about my voice, and decided that I needed to use that to calm the districts. He's not happy with me.

"What do I do, Haymitch?" I ask him cursing the tears that burn in the corner of my eyes.

He slumps down on the couch across from me and takes a drink from his flask that he never leaves anywhere without," I guess you're just going to have to sing your little heart out and hope that you're capable of putting on the best damn show of your life."

I lean back and close my eyes," I don't want to sing."

"Well too bad, Sweetheart," he sneers," You're just going to man up and be grateful this isn't something worse, aren't you."

I glare at him tiredly but keep my mouth shut and he continues hesitantly," _Can_ you sing? You don't seem like the type."

I shake my head feeling incredibly tired for no reason at all," I'm not the type anymore. But I used to sing, I think, when my father was alive. He could sing. Even the birds would stop to listen."

He looks at me for a second before shaking his head," Then maybe you'll get lucky and you'll manage to do alright."

"I have no choice," I say and we sit in silence.

* * *

The very next day I wake up to the sight of Effie in all her Capitol glory storming into my room in a flurry of bright orange. So bright that it takes my half asleep eyes a minute to adjust," Effie?"

"Good morning, Katniss," she exclaims in a high pitched tone full of unveiled enthusiasm," It's time to get up, dear, we have big big day ahead of us!"

I groan and slowly peel back my blanket and she immediately hands me some slippers I didn't even know I owned," What's going on?"

"We're going to make you a star, Katniss!" she says her eyes going a bit starry eyed, themselves.

I just sigh tiredly, and let her lead me to the bathroom where my prep team surprise me by having already set themselves up inside.

They immediately swarm me and gush.

Flavius exclaims while working on my hair which was thankfully clean," We were so surprised when they told us you would be singing for the Capitol!"

Octavia nods," We were even more surprised when they told us we would be coming to see you in District 12!"

"We've never been," Venia explains and then looks sympathetic," And I'm so sorry for you, Katniss, but I'm sure this district has its charm..."

I stay quiet and let them do my hair, slather my face is makeup, and do my nails. I try and zone out at they fret about the tiny stubs I've managed to bite my nails to, the state I've let my eyebrows get to, and how dry my hair is. I just nod when they let me know where they will be leaving a nail file, the tweezers, and hair products.

"Now, Katniss," Octavia says patiently," They told us that they're going to want you looking presentable at all times."

Falvius nods," Your hair must be presentable, your nails well groomed, and you will have to at least do some kind of natural makeup."

Venia pats my cheek," Just something for your complexion and your eyes."

I nod and try to smile despite hating the very thought of doing any of this myself.

They then hand me an outfit and help me put it on. It's a pair of light green pants, a white blouse with flowy sleeves, and a brown leather jacket that looks like a Capitol version of my old worn one that used to belong to my father. They hand me some black heels that are thankfully not so high that I can't manage the stairs easily enough. 

Once downstairs Effie is at the dining room table and she is looking at the mountain of papers stacked on it. I also see a few people with lights and cameras and I hesitate. When she sees me, she beams," Katniss, dear, come come!"

I sit down across from her and remove the leather jacket and place in on the chair behind me. I look at the papers on the table, they're all sheet music. I look at her and say," I can't read these."

She pouts for a bit," You can't?"

I shake my head but she brightens," I'm sure you'll be able to learn. You don't need to learn them all just yet. Just pick 2 or 3 and those will be your debut for your Tour! By then you'll be able to know more."

I nod and then stop and remember Madge. She gave me my pin before my games. I vaguely remember her being able to play piano. She cared enough to bring me a gift before I left, which meant she considered me a friend and we've talked a bit since then. I wonder if I would be able to ask her to help me with all of this. She's most likely more musical than me. I shake my head and resolve to think about it later, and focus on what I need to do now. 

Looking through all the music, I notice that the people with the cameras are taking pictures of me and I look at Effie confused.

She just smiles and waves me off," They here to capture your journey as a singer. They want to see it all!"

I fight back a grimace and try and smile like I don't have a care in the world and turn back to the sheets around me. They are all about simple, happy, innocent things. Flowers come up more than once. The birds, the sky, stars, the wind. No fire. Nothing of real meaning or dangerous or assuming. There are some love songs but I shove those aside and try and ignore my slightly flushed cheeks.

I pick up one song in particular and notice it's The Valley Song. Peeta's words echo through my mind and I unconsciously linger on the song long enough for Effie to notice," Have you chosen already?"

I pause and then hesitantly nod," I think so..."

She beams and asks for it, and I hand it to her. She looks it over and then nods," This'll do perfectly. Very pretty and I'm sure it'll sound lovely."

And then she continues," But do make sure you add something more lively. Something fun and bright and catchy."

I fight back a wince but keep looking. We look through more nature songs and then hit the flashier songs that sound vapid and repetitive, but Effie insists I look at. I never really cared to begin with so I chose 2 of those songs and she's happy enough to let me keep them to practice for one week before she comes back for less candid photoshoots, designs, and to arrange recordings.

I'm only too happy to see her go but am left wondering what I'm being dragged into.

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss has just won the 73rd Hunger games at 15 years old. As she struggles to cope with the trauma and pain and guilt, she also has to deal with the Capitol's anger at her. She is just trying to survive, in the only way she knows how. She will smile, wave, and play the part of the naive girl who could never inspire a rebellion if it means the survival of those she loves.

* * *

I visit Madge the very next day after that. I wait until school lets out and I put in some effort with my appearance if only for the practice and to show Snow that I'm trying if the house really is bugged. 

I fix any problem areas on my face that I never bothered with before. I coat my lashes to make them longer and I add some blush to give the illusion of a healthy complexion and glow. I like to think it makes any smiles I offer seem less forced or faked. I put on a pretty sage green dress that would not look like it belongs anywhere near me if not for the color. I only put it on because my prep team took the time to shave my legs yesterday and I know they would appreciate if it weren't going to waste. I throw on a jean jacket that for some reason has been designed to look like a glamorous version of a worn one with tears and loose threads and everything. And I just use the same boots I wore yesterday that were a better Capitol version of my old hunting ones.

The moment I went over to the Mayor's house, I felt really awkward. Before the Reaping, Madge and I never really talked much despite always sitting together at lunch and anything school related. It really came as a shock when she came to see me off before I left for the Capitol. She also added to that surprise when she gave me her gold pin. My token.

Now that I came back, I've only really seen her at random. It was always just passing by or while running errands. Never because I went out of my way to visit her. Thankfully, Madge didn't question me. She only smiled happily and invited me into her house where she lead me to her room. 

She offered me cookies and tea and it was after we were eating that I finally felt brave enough to show her the music sheets.

"I don't know how to read music so I don't really know how these are supposed to go," I manage to mumble out.

She just looks at me curiously while examining the sheet music and then setting her tea down and motioning me to follow her. She walks downstairs and into one of the many rooms. She opens the door and the first thing I see is a grand piano. 

She walks over to the bench and pats the spot next to her. She props the sheet music in front of her and starts playing. It's one of the catchy repetitive songs, but hearing it on the piano almost makes it sound beautiful. She plays the next one, too, and ends with the Valley Song. 

When she's done she says," I can play while you sing and we can practice until you get the hang of it, if you want?"

I nod and she patiently tells me how to roughly read the notes so that I know how the song is supposed to go. We start with the Valley Song because it's the most familiar, even if I haven't sung in the longest time, and when I'm done Madge pauses," I didn't know you could sing like that..."

I frown," I don't sing...or I didn't."

"Well, then I don't know if it's a good thing you are now," she says quietly almost thoughtful," You're better than all of this." _You're better than them_ , is what she really means but doesn't say.

I pause and look at her for a terrifying moment before I compose myself and offer what I'm sure will be one in many fake smiles," Can we keep trying? I want to work my way up to the other ones, and Effie will have my head if I don't get these right."

She offers an understanding smile in return and we keep practicing. I find myself not minding it and find that I would really enjoy hearing her play more than I will ever enjoy singing for the Capitol. 

Once it becomes late enough, I tell her I have to get going and she surprises me with a hug and has me promise to come back tomorrow to keep practicing.

I smile in return and nod before heading home. I walk through town and if I thought people stared at me before it's only increased tenfold with my new get up. I curse myself for not leaving before the shops closed. I'm in the middle of Town and not only am I out of my house in what feels forever, but I'm also in a stupid dress and I can't feel more ridiculous.

I'm still cursing myself when someone calls my name and I turn with a scowl on my face until I come face to face with a pair of familiar blue eyes and blonde curls," Peeta?"

He smiles happily like he always seems to do and then asks," What brings you here?"

I hesitate before smiling back sheepishly," I was visiting Madge."

He nods," I forgot you were friends with her, you must miss not seeing her in school."

I bite my lip considering I didn't really know we were friends back then but just nod.

He hesitates before asking and the sudden flush of color on his cheeks confuses me," Is that why you're dressed up?"

I frown in confusion before I remember my appearance and I hesitate before settling for the easiest truth," Kind of, I have to look the part now."

"Part?" he asks confused and I push the thought that the slight pout he has on his face is almost endearing aside and answer instead in an attempt of humor," Of a Victor, Haymitch isn't much to look at so it fell on me, I guess."

He grins and then smirks teasingly," I'd rather see you in a dress than him any day."

The thought of Haymitch in a dress is enough to make me giggle uncharacteristically and say," That makes you and all of Panem!"

He chuckles wryly before asking," Do you want me to walk you home?"

I shake my head thinking of the time," You don't have to, I don't want you to be late for dinner."

He smiles happily," I have time."

I hesitate and he looks at me concerned," Unless you really don't want to-"

I cut him off before I can stop myself," Thank you then," and we fall into step with each other.

"How's your neighbor been?" he asks jokingly," As friendly as ever?"

I roll my eyes," He's friendly alright... when he's not passed out in his own filth."

"So not very often?" he asks sarcastically and I smirk.

"He's okay," I say after a bit thinking of the times he's tried to protect me," He's still looking out for me, in the only way he knows how, I guess."

" I only hope it's enough," he says after a moment and I turn defensive.

"He does what he can," say hesitantly knowing it's true," He's doing what he can to make sure we both survive."

"You shouldn't be surviving," he says quietly," You should be living...thriving."

I stop walking and look at him for a moment before muttering," You get used to it."

We walk in silence the last bit of the way and he reaches out before stopping himself and instead saying with a smile that while still bright, isn't as bright as what I'm used to," See you on Sunday!"

I nod and try to return his smile, but if his isn't as bright as usual, mine isn't fooling anyone either.

* * *

And so my days continue. I visit Madge and I can see we are real friends now. It's not as awkward anymore and Prim has even come by to see what I'm doing. People have begun to talk and she was curious. It didn't help that after that first week of practicing, Effie came back and I was made over all over again for an impromptu photoshoot for my supposed single covers. They wanted to start recording right away, but had to make sure the covers looked perfect in a typical Capitol fashion.

They aired those on TV and I had to fight my embarrassment of having to appear so vapid and silly posing for pictures for my new life as a singer. I also had to fight the cramping of my hand as Effie had given me a crash course in penmanship for my new signature. They wanted to print some of the pictures to sell with my perfected signature in the Capitol for what I can assume will be an unthinkable amount of money.

I regretted them airing any of that even more when Gale ended up showing up at my door looking furious.

"What the hell was that, Katniss?!" he demanded angrily not even bothering to wait for me to invite him in.

"What the hell, Gale?" I hissed not willing to deal with whatever he was mad about," What is your problem?"

"You!" he hissed back," Can you imagine what I thought seeing you acting like an idiot for all of Panem?"

"What are you talking about?" I demanded hoping he wasn't talking about what I thought he was.

"A singing career, Katniss? Really? Can you stoop any lower?" he answered in a condescending voice I was not about to tolerate from anyone, especially not him.

"Yes I can actually," I shot back smartly, thinking of what I'd almost been forced into," But you see when it was between that and a _fabulous_ singing career, imagine what you think I chose to go with...

"I will sing until I can't anymore if that's what I have to do for-"

"For the Capitol, Katniss?" he demanded," Have you forgotten what they did to you?! What they put you through?! Haven't you had enough of being their little puppet?!"

"Have you forgotten that I don't have a choice?!" I fired back," No one does! And I'm not as delusional, as you, to think otherwise. So you can stand right there and judge me, but it won't change anything I'm doing just because you don't like it. Because guess what...I don't like it either!"

"Then stop," he said putting his hands on my shoulders and I had to resist the urge to get them off," You can fight this. You can use this to help the Districts. Screw the Capital!"

I gasp and pushed him away from me," Get. Out!"

He looked at me confused before becoming angry again," No. Not until-"

"Get out!" I cried and shoved him towards the door," Stop talking about things you don't understand or leave me alone."

"I can't, Catnip," he tried," I can't watch you do this to yourself...to us-"

"There is no us," I told him, angry now," You were my best friend, Gale. And the second I stopped being who you wanted me to be, you left me behind."

"No that was you-"

"No," I cut him off," It was you. I told you to get used to what I was doing or leave me alone. You made your choice. The choice is still there. If you want to be my friend, you're going to have to leave me to do what I have to do. No questions, no demands, no anything."

"That's not fair, Katniss," he tried," I'm just trying to help you."

"You can't help me," I said, a wry smile making it's way on my face," No one can. I can't even help myself.

"So I don't need you. I'm fine. So if you can live with that... then we can try to be friends again, but things are different now. And you have to understand that. Can you do that?"

He looked at me, and for a second I was sure he was just going to storm out and not look back, but he surprised me and muttered," Fine."

"What?" I said not expecting that.

He crossed his arms and looked away grumpily," You heard me."

"Are you sure?" I asked him suspiciously.

"I said I was," he snapped and then cringed," Sorry."

I shook my head," I know."

"So are we going back to Sundays again?" he asked quietly.

I almost agreed, but then stopped and remembered," Not out there. I don't do that anymore."

He frowned and then said," But you love it out there!"

I closed my eyes and nodded knowing he was right," I do, but I can't anymore. It's better for everyone, if I don't."

"Then what are we supposed to do instead?" he demanded.

I stopped and thought and then remembered Peeta," Peeta bakes for me on Sundays. You could come try some...if you want."

"Mellark?" he asks incredulously," What are you doing with the baker's kid?"

I looked at him sharply, daring him to say anything about Peeta," He's my friend."

He looked like he wanted to protest, but thought better of it from my tone, and just said," I'll see if I can stop by."

I nodded and that was that. 

* * *

Effie pulled me aside the next day and demanded to know why my family wasn't living with me. I had to stop myself from saying I didn't know either, but settled for," My mother wanted to stay close to the Seam as the healer..."

She looked appalled and then declared," Well, that won't do! President Snow, himself, wanted me to let you know that he wants them to move in as soon as possible. "

I gripped the table in fear and looked at her alarmed," He does?"

She nodded almost proud of herself," It's not fitting for a young lady to be living by herself. Goodness knows, Haymitch can't be much help in case something happens." 

I no longer resented my mother for not wanting to live here. I now feared what would happen if she did and I surprised myself by saying," But my mother can't travel that far every single day. Her patients are there...they-"

"Can come here if they need her," she says promptly cutting me off and turning to some people," We can start by dropping by and having these people move their things here."

And after that they did just that. I hesitantly went with them hoping that I would be able to soften the fear of Capitol people dropping in and taking everything with them.

My mother was in the middle of making dinner when we knocked and Prim answered with a squeal," Katniss, why are you-"

And then she trailed off as the people around me brushed passed and started to take things. My mother looked like she was about to protest when I cut her off with a meaningful look and said," Isn't it nice of them to help you move in to my house? Your business here in the Seam is basically done and you can now officially move in!"

She looked a bit confused and obviously wanted more from me but looked at the men moving things and then slowly nodded," Yes, of course, Katniss."

Prim looked surprised and looked between us almost torn between being happy to be moving in with me and confused as to why Mom never agreed to it or mentioned it before, but simply asked me innocently," Are we really moving in with you?"

I nodded and made an effort to smile," You really are, Little Duck."

It doesn't take long to pack what few things they own. I notice a few more clothes than before and am happy to know the money I'd given them was being used. The men then left and Effie was "kind" enough to go with them to allow my family time to say goodbye to their home.

The minute she left my mother turned to me and said," Katniss, is everything alright?"

I sigh tiredly and look away and she continues," I barely recognize you anymore, and what they've been saying on TV and in town, and now this?"

"I don't have a choice," I mutter and then glare at her," Do you think I want to be slathered in makeup and dressed up everyday when the last thing I want to do is get out of bed?! Do you think I would ever want to sing for _anyone_ in the Capitol? Do you think I'm _enjoying_ myself?"

"Katniss," Prim squeaks out and I feel awful for springing this on her and arguing with Mom in front of her, but I have to do this now before we have to go to the house they've bugged.

I run my fingers through my loose hair and look at Mom," President Snow didn't think it was appropriate that I was living all alone and... _insisted_... that you both live with me. "

Mom gasps and turns a bit white but then looks at me with what can only be labeled as grief and then pity. The emotions in her eyes are gone as soon as they appeared and she just nods stoically before saying," Alright, I understand."

I nod too and turn towards the door," I thought you would..."

We then make the trip down to what is no longer just my house and I try not to look back and think about what this means.

* * *

My mother wasn't too comfortable with the idea of living in Victor's Village, but she surprisingly made due. She and Prim were actually happy to be able to better tend to their patients with readily available supplies after I very firmly showed them where the money was and told them to get what they needed. My mother protested but after I left without taking no for an answer, she reluctantly started to use the money. 

She bought food to send home with patients, better medicines, she even used one of the rooms downstairs as a kind of office to treat her patients. She did this, I realized, so that I wouldn't run out at the sight of blood or be rendered nauseous at the sight of someone's injuries. I found myself appreciating her thoughtfulness, but not forgetting the countless times she'd already failed me before and since I'd gotten back.

But Prim was happy. She got into all the other boxes of hobbies Effie had sent and unsurprisingly had a knack for all of them. She learned to play the flute, arrange flowers, cook, and so on. I feel that she might have even been able to paint or draw if I hadn't given all of those to Peeta.

Despite Mom being okay with everything, I still felt uncomfortable remembering everything that had happened when I first arrived. I also couldn't help but be reminded of what her and Prim living with me meant to President Snow. How they could and would be used against me in this never ending game he liked to play.

I was done with games but I couldn't give up. I had to fight for them this time, instead of me. Even if I had to lose myself in the process. I dressed the part, I looked the part, and I acted the part. Every song I sang, every picture I took, and ever interview I was coached for, I gave it my all. I was as vapid, innocent, empty headed, and charming as I could be. And for someone who had been dubbed as "charming as a slug", I was proud of how far I'd come. 

Haymitch, in his more sober moments, had even narrowed his eyes at both me and the screen before muttering," Who knew you actually had it in you, Sweetheart..."

I immediately dropped the facade and snapped at him which almost made him sigh in relief but he caught himself before taking a sip from his flask and going back to his disgusting house.

* * *

Things went on as normal as they could. Madge and Peeta remained by me through it all. My mom and Prim were quickly adjusting. And while Gale was no longer in my life as much, he wasn't completely absent. He would sometimes stop by and I would send him off with some bread or some cake or whatever Peeta baked. 

Peeta loved having an unlimited amount of ingredients, and he would always make far too much. Much more for me, my mom, Prim, the odd patients, or even Haymitch to eat in a week. I would always offer Peeta as much as he wanted, but even that wasn't enough. And so I often tried to give Gale as much as he would take. He had many little mouths to feed to say no. 

That still didn't mean it was easy. He then took to bringing me and Peeta game from his hunts in the woods. A rabbit or squirrel or two depending on how much Peeta made. Peeta protested, at first, but I insisted he take it as he was the one making all the food. Not me. He eventually gave in and even told me sheepishly that his family really enjoyed having fresh meat. 

Gale didn't like everything in my life. He found it almost impossible to not scoff at my new clothes. He hated my friendship with Madge. And he only barely tolerated Peeta. But I made it very clear that if he kept being a jerk, I wasn't going to be having any of it. He would back off, but not without brooding. It was tiring, but he was trying, and that was a start.

Finally it was time for my Victory Tour and with it came preparations. I was to dress up and look nice for the cameras that would be waiting by the train. Haymitch would be coming with me and I would be putting to use what I'd worked so hard on.

Unfortunately the day I was leaving was the day Peeta would come visit me on Sundays. I'd gotten so swept up in everything else that when Prim came into my room and said in confusion," Katniss?"

I didn't look up from my frown as I tried to deal with finding the stuff I used to coat my eyelashes," Yes, Little Duck?"

"Peeta's here," she said quietly almost like she wasn't sure how I would react," He's downstairs..."

I paused from looking and then deciding that leaving him downstairs with my Mom wasn't the best idea I say hesitantly," He can come up..."

She looks at me startled but nods and runs downstairs to get Peeta. I look at my face and huff in annoyance at having to do this everyday. I was getting better, at least according to my prep team, but I still found it to be pointless. 

I hear a light knock on my door and I see Peeta walk in with a bashful smile," Katniss?"

"Hey," I say tiredly," You came..."

"Well we can't very well break tradition now, right?" he says in a teasing tone as he looks around.

I stop looking around the vanity Effie gave me to raise an eyebrow at him," We have a tradition now?"

He smirks playfully," Well, of course, we do. It doesn't have to include a meal, but we are still friends, right?"

He looks to be teasing, but there's a hint of truthful hesitance that I can't help teasing wryly back," Well, I'm not one to break tradition..."

He smiles back happily and I'm almost momentarily taken aback by how much he lights up my dreary room until his smile dims as he says," So you're leaving today? On your tour?"

"Yes, I'm just getting ready for the cameras waiting by the train," I say looking through the million makeup brushes I had to choose from.

"Well, as much as I enjoy seeing you off," he says standing to look over my shoulder but I can't bring myself to care about how close he is," Your mother wasn't too happy to see me here, so I don't think I have much time left up here..."

I smirk," Are you scared of my mother?"

He pretends to think about it and look away," I would never...I have you to protect me, either way, right?"

"A lot of good I'll do right now..." I mutter scowling at the mirror.

He pauses before speaking up," What's this for?"

I curse myself for pouting but I can't help it," Part of the whole "look" deal... My prep team is going to be redoing my makeup before I leave, but if I'm going out I need to do something... but it's not as easy as they make it look..."

He nods slowly before picking up a random tray of eyeshadows and then saying softly," You don't need all of this."

I stop and narrow my eyes," Excuse me?"

"You're beautiful, Katniss," he says, so sincerely, I can't help but want to believe him," You don't need to dress the part... "

"I do, though," I say trying to fight my growing blush by turning back to the mirror," I need to look and dress the part of a Victor and makeup is a part of that. Especially today when there could be cameras anywhere."

He says nothing as I finish and then get up to get a jacket that'll be warm enough for the snow," Do you want to go to town? I need to pick up some things before I leave, and say goodbye to Madge and Hazel..."

He looks at me with what I can almost describe as pity, but somehow...not. It feels like he genuinely cares about me and what I'm going through. Even when everyone else around me has been treating even the slightest remark I made as whining.

He just nods and gives me his usual smile before following me out where we pass my mother who looks at me and Peeta somewhat coldly," Where are you going?"

I look at her cooly, but not as much as her," Town."

She nods and there is a pause before Peeta asks," Do you need anything Mrs. Everdeen? We would be happy to pick it up for you."

She looks at him for a second, in surprise, before dropping the cold look slightly and reluctantly saying," Some bandages would be nice. And some rubbing alcohol...that is...if you're also going to the Hob."

I turn to Prim," Do you want to come, Little Duck, or are you going to stay here?"

She shakes her head with a smile," I'm good, Katniss, but say hi to Madge for me!"

I smile back and nod," Okay, I'll be back in a bit. My prep team and Effie should be here by then. They'll know what to do, but they can set up in my room."

"I'll can draw you a bath when you get home, if you want," my mother offers.

I look at her and consider for a second. Since they've moved in, I've tried to make an effort with my Mom. Things are even shakier than before the Games, and that's saying something, but this time I am trying. I make an effort to let her do things for me when she offers to help. And so I begrudgingly just nod," Thank you."

And with that we're off. I inhale the cold air. The air is a bit crisper and cleaner in the Victor's Village than in Town and especially in the Seam. Almost as clean as being in the woods, but not quite. The freedom isn't there, and that is part of the appeal.

"Haymitch is going with you, right?" Peeta asks interrupting my thoughts.

I nod," Yeah, he kind of has to. We're the only two Victors from District 12..."

He seems to think about that for a moment before turning to me," Good. I'd feel better knowing he was there for you."

"As crazy as it sounds," I say with a wry smile," I feel better having with come, too."

And I am. Haymitch is surly, violent, and drunk most of the time. He smells awful and has the worst sense of humor, even by my standards. But he did his job — more than his job—because despite how much the nightmares and the guilt and the self hatred and pity weighs down on me, I'm still alive. And that is thanks to him. 

He could have left me to waste away after he left me in that house by myself, but he didn't. So no matter who Haymitch is, I owe him. And that's for always. And I don't mind. He could use someone to look out for him, too. At least to make sure some food makes it into his diet of alcohol and spirits. 

That reminds me of something and I gasp," Haymitch told me to wake him up an hour before the cameras come..."

"We can stop by the bakery and bring him something to eat," Peeta says and then frowns," Or is that a bad idea?"

I shake my head and laugh slightly," It's worth a try...He might need some food in him to be able to make it through being made to look...presentable."

He joins in and then we stop by Hazel's and I let her know I'm leaving. She gives me a hug and promises to let Gale know. I slip her a pouch of coins and insist she takes it," It'll make me feel better. Being gone for so long."

She tries to protest, but thinks better of it," I won't tell Gale."

I nod and then we're on our way nearing the Hob. I get the bandages and rubbing alcohol. I'm just saying goodbye to Greasy Sae when I feel someone tug on my braid and don't have to even look to know who it is," "Aren't you supposed to be on a train?" he asks me. 

Peeta looks at Darius warily but as law enforcers go, he's one of my favorites. Never really throwing his weight around, usually good for a joke. He's probably in his twenties, but he doesn't seem much older than I do. Something about his smile, his red hair that sticks out every which way, gives him a boyish quality."They're collecting me at noon," I answer. 

"Shouldn't you look better?" he asks in a loud whisper. 

I can't help smiling at his teasing, in spite of myself. "Maybe a ribbon in your hair or something?"

He flicks my braid with his hand and I brush him away. "Don't worry. By the time they get through with me I'll be unrecognizable," I say. 

"Good," he says. "Let's show a little district pride for a change, Miss Everdeen. Right, Peeta?" He winks at him and shakes his head at Greasy Sae in mock disapproval and walks off to join his friends.

Peeta raised a questioning eyebrow," Friend of yours?"

"Define friend," I deadpan and Greasy Sae laughs and says," Try and enjoy yourself out there, at least. And I'll have a nice bowl of soup ready for you when you come back."

I nod and motion Peeta towards Town. We go to the Mayor's house to see Madge. She greets me with a hug and says hi to Peeta," Are you ready for your Tour?"

I bite my lip," As ready as I'll ever be. I'm more nervous about singing for all of Panem."

They had spent months preparing for my debut as a singer. My albums were produced and would be distributed for sale when I reached the Capitol. I think they would be selling a few copies for exorbitant amounts of money the second I step foot in the Capitol. The rest of Panem would have to wait until I made it onto Caesars stage to sing my debut single before they ever heard any of my music.

The thing that got to me was that my interview would be a mandatory broadcast for all of Panem. That meant that I would have to sing for everyone. Every district. Not just the silly and frivolous Capitol. 

She smiles encouragingly before pausing and looking serious," Just so you know, I'll understand if you act different on camera...from who you usually are."

I look at her sharply and frown," What do you-?"

"I just understand how these things go," she says cutting me off," And I just hope you have a...safe trip and please be careful."

My eyes widen," Madge, I...thank you..."

She nods and looks between Peeta and me before saying brightly," Well, you should probably go before they arrive. It's almost 11!"

I hug her goodbye and we walk to the Bakery. Peet speaks up," What did she mean by you would act different? On camera."

I slow down and say as cautiously as possible," Different in that I can't exactly act like how I am with you guys. Especially Haymitch."

That doesn't seem to be enough," Is something wrong?"

I look at him worriedly but school my features into what I hope is reassuring," No, everything is fine! I just have to be careful with my debut and make sure people enjoy it and-"

"You're such a bad liar, Katniss. I don't know how you've made it this far." He begins to mimic me. "No, everything is fine! I'm so happy! I'm so grateful for the Capitol's generosity!" He shakes his head. "Never gamble at cards. You'll lose your last coin," he says.

Anger flushes my face. "All right, well what else am I supposed to say for the cameras? The truth? Everyone would be dead in a minute!"

I gasp and cover my mouth but it's too late and he looks just as alarmed as me. I look around and am just grateful that there is no one around to have heard me, even if my voice was never very loud. I look at him and just shake my head," I'm going to do what I have to do. And I'm sorry if you don't like that."

He looks hurt and shakes his head," I didn't mean it like that."

"Then how?" I snap already done with this conversation. It felt like a repeat of the one with Gale and I hadn't been able to truly get through to him, either.

"I don't want you to be unhappy," he says sadly and I feel something in my chest crack," This isn't something you want to do. You didn't want to sing. It was a memory of your father, and you didn't want to share that with everyone, but you are. You have always been happiest in the woods and free and yourself. I haven't seen you be any of that since you got back."

"How would you even know that?" I ask shaking my head. As far as I knew, he'd never even noticed me after I hadn't thanked him for the bread.

"I paid attention," he says simply, but I know there's more that he isn't saying, but before I can pry we reach the bakery.

His brother Rye is behind the register and when he sees me he wiggles his eyebrows," Well, what do we have here, little brother..."

"Rye..." Peeta starts off warningly, but his brother waves him off and he just jumps down from the register and with a flourish puts his arm around me," Little Miss Katniss, what an honor it is to _finally_ meet you!"

I look at him incredulously, but he acts like nothing is wrong and continues," Especially since this one only ever brings you here when it's only him and the old man working."

I don't know where he's going with this but, by the way Peeta is starting to turn a bit pink, I think he's teasing him," I guess he's just trying to expose you to less competition."

"Competition?" I ask him warily.

He nods smirking," He probably knew he would never be able to compete with all this...the second you laid eyes on me!"

I look him up and down and then just turn to Peeta," Is he always like this?"

He rolls his eyes," Worse. This is him on his best behavior."

Rye shoots him a wounded look," I am _hurt_ , Peeta."

He reaches over to untangle his brother from me and I shoot him a grateful look and he deadpans," You'll live."

"Well what can I help you with, Katniss?" Rye says brushing Peeta off good naturedly.

"I just need half a dozen rolls," I say thinking it best not to buy too much if both Haymitch and I are going to be leaving soon.

"Coming right up," he says and heads to the back.

I nod and then look up to see a clock hanging on the wall and gasp," Is that the time?!"

Peeta looks up and nods," Yes... do you need to go?"

Rye comes back with the rolls in a paper bag and I ask," How much?"

"One coin," he says slowly probably confused by my change in attitude.

"Okay, here," and I give him the money and then hastily put it in my game bag with the bandages and rubbing alcohol. 

"I've got to go, but it was nice spending time with you before I have to leave," I say turning to Peeta.

"I'll see you when you get back," he smiles sadly," Good luck on your Tour, Katniss.

I nod and then I am in such a rush to leave that I accidently move to give him a hug without even thinking. I realize my mistake a second too late, but Peeta thankfully doesn't question me and just hugs me back.

I feel a bit embarrassed, and feel my cheeks turning a bit red, but say goodbye. I wave to his brother who is behind the counter once more and smirking, and run out of there as fast as I can. 

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

I just manage to slip into Haymitch's house, to wake him up with another pitcher of water, avoid his knife, and drop off the rolls, and run out through the window.

I then go up the stairs of my own house to the bathroom, where a steaming tub awaits. My mother has added a small bag of dried flowers that perfumes the air. I try not to find an ulterior motive behind this tiny act and instead try and enjoy the luxury that it is. We've come a long way from only having cold water at our home in the Seam. 

I slide down into the water, and try to relax for a few more moments. As soon as I get out of this tub... I won't be getting a moment's rest. If I were to recall a truly relaxing carefree moment it would be when I would go to the lake with my father and we would go swimming. I wish the tub were big enough to swim. I can almost recall hot summer Sundays in the woods. Those days seem to be from a different time altogether. 

We would leave early in the morning and hike farther into the woods than usual to a small lake he'd found while hunting. I don't even remember learning to swim, I was so young when he taught me. I just remember being able to do it to the point where it became second nature to just enjoy myself. At night, when we got home, my mother would pretend not to recognize me because I was so clean. Then she'd cook up an amazing dinner of roasted duck and baked katniss tubers with gravy.

It's been years since I've gone back to the lake. I could have. It's time-consuming to get there, but the waterfowl are such easy pickings you can make up for lost hunting time. It's a place I've never really wanted to share with anyone, though, a place that belonged only to my father and me. Since I've won the Games, I haven't gone back. Swimming would be nice, but I don't know how I'd be able to handle the sight of so a lake so soon after Layla. I think I would want to say a proper goodbye to her overlooking the ocean in District 4. To see it for the first time and think of her, like I promised her.

Even underwater I can hear the sounds of commotion. Honking car horns, shouts of greeting, doors banging shut. It can only mean my entourage has arrived. I just have time to towel off and slip into a robe before my prep team bursts into the bathroom. Normally anyone seeing me like this would be unthinkable, but with my prep team it's unavoidable to the point where I don't even care anymore. They've seen it all.

"Katniss, we're here!" Venia squeals, and even with Layla's memory hanging over me, I am surprised when I find myself almost laughing. Her aqua hair has been styled so it sticks out in sharp points all over her head, and the gold tattoos that used to be confined above her brows have curled around under her eyes, all contributing to the impression that I've literally shocked her. I just know that any alterations they've done to themselves is because of the Victory Tour.

Octavia comes up and hugs me and pats my head, "There, there. We're here to get you out of this quaint little District for your Tour! Now let me see those nails!" She grabs my hand and pins it flat between her two peagreen ones. No, her skin isn't exactly pea green now. It's more of a light evergreen. The shift in shade makes me slightly wary considering my last name is Everdeen..."Really, Katniss?! You managed to keep up with your eyebrows, but not your nails?! What am I supposed to do now?" she wails.

My nails were the one thing they never told me to specifically upkeep. I've bitten them to tiny little stubs, and while I don't feel particularly remorseful I still mutter a half hearted," Sorry."

Flavius lifts a few strands of my wet, tangled hair. He gives his head a disapproving shake,causing his orange corkscrew curls to bounce around. "Has anyone touched this since you last saw us?" he asks sternly. "Remember, we specifically asked you to leave your hair alone."

"Yes!" I say, grateful that I can show I haven't totally taken them for granted. "I mean, no, no one's cut it. I did remember that. And I used the conditioner you left me!" I did use it mostly because it made getting ready in the mornings a lot easier with my hair cooperating.

This seems to mollify them, and they all kiss me, set me on a chair in my bedroom, and, as usual, start talking nonstop without bothering to notice if I'm listening. While Venia touches up my eyebrows and Octavia gives me fake nails and Flavius massages goo into my hair, I hear all about the Capitol. What a hit the Games were, how dull things have been since, how no one can wait until I make my debut at the end of the Victory Tour. After that, it won't be long before the Capitol begins gearing up for the Quarter Quell.

"Isn't it thrilling?"

"Don't you feel so lucky?"

"In your very first year of being a victor, you get to be a mentor in a Quarter Quell!"

Their words overlap in a blur of excitement.

"Oh, yes," I say neutrally. It's the best I can do. I don't want to be a mentor. While I may not have many people I call friends, I still know them. I've gone to school with them all my life. District 12 isn't very big and the chances of failing someone I've known for so long is terrifying. That and the facts that a Quarter Quell means everything will be worse.

Every twenty-five years marks the anniversary of the districts' defeat with over-the-top celebrations and some miserable twist when it comes to the games. I've never seen any of them. But in school I remember hearing that for the second Quarter Quell, the Capitol demanded that twice the number of tributes be provided for the arena. The teachers didn't go into much more detail, which is odd considering who won. Haymitch won.

"Haymitch better be preparing himself for a lot of attention!" squeals Octavia. Haymitch has never mentioned his personal experience in the arena to me. I don't know if I would ever want to recount my own. I don't know what that means for me as a mentor. Haymitch is wasted almost every day, but seeing as this year will probably be his worst games yet, I doubt he'll be much help for anyone. I just hope he's coherent enough to let me know what to do before he leaves me to do this.

After they've exhausted the topic of the Quarter Quell, my prep team, just keeps talking. Mostly just silly gossip, but harmless gossip at that. Soon my brows are stinging, my hair's smooth and silky, and my nails are ready to be painted. Apparently they've been given instruction to prepare only my hands and face, probably because everything else will be covered in the cold weather. Flavius badly wants to use his own trademark purple lipstick on me but resigns himself to a pink as they begin to color my face and nails. I can see by the palette Cinna has assigned that we're going for girlish, not sexy. Good. I need to look as girly and innocent as possible for this to work.

My mother comes in, somewhat shyly, and says that Cinna has asked her to show the preps how she did my hair the day of the reaping. I find it somewhat humbling how eager and polite and kind they are with my mother. They are so excited to learn the hairstyle and I feel bad for how tiring I find them to be most of the time. I account it to them simply growing up in the Capitol and how they can't help the life they live.

When everything is good I find Cinna downstairs in the living room, and just the sight of him makes me relieved. He looks the same as always, simple clothes, short brown hair, just a hint of gold eyeliner. We embrace, and I can barely keep from breaking down how nervous I am about everything.

It's so easy to talk to Cinna, though. Lately we've been speaking a lot on the telephone that came with the house. It's sort of a joke, because almost no one else we know owns one. There's Peeta, but obviously I don't call him as he doesn't have one. Haymitch tore his out of the wall years ago during one of his more... therapeutic episodes. Madge has a telephone in her house, but I can just go over to talk to her.

At first, the thing barely ever got used. Then Cinna and I had to talk about what kind of look I would be going for regarding my outfits for my debut and follow up concerts and music videos and just my Tour in general. There's even been talk of me being the face of one of his upcoming lines. It'll probably be named something like Girl on Fire or Flame or even just Katniss by Katniss Everdeen. It would be worth it to get to work with Cinna, and would add to my frivolous persona, but it just seems so pointless to me.

Cinna's clothes are always beautiful, though. He hands me a pair of flowing black pants made of a thick, warm material. A comfortable white shirt. Sweater woven from green and blue and gray strands of kitten-soft wool. Laced leather boots that don't pinch my toes."Will these be part of our future line?" I ask teasingly.

"No, that line will be a lot more fiery. This is Winter apparel." says Cinna.

"So a Summer line?" I ask thinking of how that will probably line up with the Quell...and he nods.

Just then, Effie Trinket arrives in a pumpkin orange wig to remind everyone, "We're on a schedule!" She kisses me on both cheeks while waving in the camera crew, then orders me into position. I am standing in front of life sized posters of myself and closeups of my face and background clips of my music videos, without the sound, of course.

Effie's the only reason we got anywhere on time in the Capitol, and I'm lost, so I try to take her direction. I start bobbing around like a puppet, holding up CDs and saying meaningless things like "I can't wait for you guys to hear it?" The sound team records me describing the description of the songs I'm releasing in a chirpy voice, then I'm tossed out of the room so they can film my props and CDs and so on in peace.

Prim got out early from school for the event. Now she stands in the kitchen, being interviewed by another crew. She looks lovely in a sky blue frock that brings out her eyes, her blond hair pulled back in a matching ribbon. I see her innocent expression and suddenly I squeeze my eyes shut and I don't see Prim—I see Layla, the little girl from District 4 who was my ally in the arena. She was tiny and innocent and just wanted to go back home. I couldn't save her and now she was gone. And I'm still here.

The Capitol's pretty little puppet.

What happens when being their puppet is not enough? Who else will be dead if I don't satisfy President Snow? I realize Cinna's trying to put a coat on me, so I raise my arms. I feel fur, inside and out, encasing me. It's from no animal I've ever seen. "Ermine," he tells me as I stroke the white sleeve, it's comforting. Leather gloves. A bright red scarf. Something furry covers my ears. "You're bringing earmuffs back in style." I just nod even if they already feel annoying. My mother hurries up with something cupped in her hand. "For good luck," she says.

It's my mockingjay pin that Madge gave me. A mockingjay flying in a circle of gold. I tried to give it back to Madge, saying that she was the reason it was suddenly so popular and that it was hers to begin with. She just waved me off and said it was a gift and it meant even more now knowing I'd made it back.

Cinna fixes it on the knot in the scarf. Effie Trinket's nearby, clapping her hands. "Attention, everyone! We're about to do the first outdoor shot. All right, Katniss, big smile, you're very excited, right?" I don't exaggerate when I say she shoves me out the door. For a moment I can't quite see right because of the snow, which is now coming down in earnest. Then I see the cameras and the lights. In my head I hear President Snow's directive, "Convince me." And I know I must.

My face breaks into a huge smile and I start walking towards the cameras. I smile until my cheeks hurt and I want to rip my hair out in frustration. The rest of the day is a blur of getting to the station, bidding everyone good-bye, the train pulling out, the old team — me, Effie and Haymitch, and Cinna —dining on an indescribably delicious meal I don't remember. And then I'm swathed in pajamas and a voluminous robe, and trying to fall asleep. I am surrounded by comfort, but I feel none of it.

How long before those around me start to realize it, too. How everytime I see them, I just see the target on their backs because of me. I think of Haymitch, unmarried, no family, blotting out the world with drink. He could have had his choice of any woman in the district. And he chose solitude. Not solitude— that sounds too nice. More like solitary confinement. Was it a choice or was he not allowed? Was the Capitol controlling him, too?

I didn't want to reach the point where I had to knock myself out of the real world because it was too much to bear. I can't let President Snow win. I could chose to end my own life and end everything. My loved ones would no longer be tied to me. Those around me wouldn't be stepping through landmines. I don't know if I would be able to go through with it. The unknown has never sat well with me. I rely too much on being in control of things myself. Ending things and then not know how it ends for everyone around me, is not the way I would want to go.

Running away could be an option. But I would never be able to come back. To Prim, to my home, to those around me. Taking them with me would be impossible. The woods has always been a part of me, but could it be my life?

I shake my head to clear it. This is not the time to be letting the hysteria fog my thoughts. I must focus on the Victory Tour. Too many people's fates depend on my giving a good show. My every move will be criticized and my every word remembered.

I don't sleep that night.

* * *

Effie knocks on my door. I pull on whatever clothes are at the top of the drawer and drag myself down to the dining car. I don't see what difference it makes when I get up, since this is a travel day, but then it turns out that yesterday's makeover was just to get me to the train station. Today I'll get the works from my prep team."Why? It's too cold for anything to show," I grumble."Not in District Eleven," says Effie.

District 11. Our first stop. 

I try to enjoy the food if only to try and feel something. The kitchen staff clearly wants to please me. They've prepared my favorite, lamb stew with dried plums, among other delicacies. Orange juice and a pot of steaming hot chocolate wait at my place at the table. So I eat a lot, and the meal is beyond reproach, but I can't say I'm enjoying it. I'm also annoyed that no one but Effie and I has shown up.

"Where's everybody else?" I ask.

"Oh, who knows where Haymitch is," says Effie. I didn't really expect Haymitch, because he's probably just getting to bed. "Cinna was up late working on organizing your garment car. He must have over a hundred outfits for you. Your evening clothes are exquisite and your performance outfits are stunning!"

After that she sends me to get my hair ripped off my body right after breakfast. It feels just as awful as I remember from my games and I'm left feeling very much abused. My prep team is making it work with coffee and some kind of pills that make them perk up one after the other. Being up this early must be taking its toll on them, but my leg hair is something they just can't let slide. I usually shave when they come over for photo shoots, but that's not painful. After I feel like all my hair and a few layers of skin have been peeled off I have to soak in a tub full of a thick, unpleasant-smelling solution, while my face and hair are plastered with creams.

Two more baths follow in other, less offensive, concoctions. I'm plucked and scoured and massaged and anointed until I'm raw. My prep team finally seems to cheer up after they're done, but I don't.

Octavia seems to notice and just rubs my freshly plucked arm and says soothingly," Don't worry, we'll be able to set up an appointment for you to be altered. They'll get rid of all this nasty hair in the Capitol."

I look at her confused," You can get rid of it? Permanently?"

Flavius nods happily," Oh, yes, dear! Of course you can!"

"How else do you think we don't have any of that?" Venia says with a tittering laugh.

I frown and then ask hesitantly," Does it hurt?"

They shake their heads and Octavia answers," There's a pill for that, dear Katniss."

That doesn't make me feel much better, but considering the alternative is to be plucked and scrubbed for the rest of my life, however long that may be, it's at least worth considering," I'll ask Cinna about it then."

They beam and that's that.

Lunch comes around and everyone is finally there. I'm not really in the mood, and neither is Haymitch, but he never is. Everyone is talking and enjoying themselves. Eventually I get pulled into the conversations and I can somewhat hold them. I'm never going to be a natural, but I can appreciate someone trying to cheer me up, and that is what they are trying to do. In their own way. 

It turns out my prep team was right about the procedure. Cinna reassures me that it is harmless, but considering how much I hate being waxed, it's might be worth it. Effie immediately makes it a point of setting up an appointment for me in the Capitol before my debut, and I can almost see the end of my waxing days for good.

We are nearing out first stop and I go to my compartment and let the prep team do my hair and makeup. Cinna comes in with a pretty orange frock patterned with autumn leaves. I think how much Peeta would like the color. Effie goes through the day's program one last time.

In some districts the victors ride through the city while the residents cheer. But it's different in District 11. It could be because there's not much of a city to begin with, things being so spread out, or maybe because they don't want to waste so many people while the harvest is on, but either way the public appearance is confined to the square. 

It takes place before their Justice Building. Everything will be outside on what Effie refers to as the verandah. I will be introduced, the mayor of 11 will read a speech in my honor, and I'll respond with a scripted thank-you provided by the Capitol. If a victor had any special allies among the dead tributes, it is considered good form to add a few personal comments as well. I should say something about Layla when we get to District 4, but I don't know if I could. It's hard for me to talk about her without getting emotional.

At the end of the ceremony, I'll be presented with some sort of plaque, and then I can withdraw to the Justice Building, where a special dinner will be served. As the train is pulling into the District 11 station, Cinna puts the finishing touches on my outfit, switching my orange hairband for one of metallic gold and securing the mockingjay pin I wore in the arena to my dress.

There's no welcoming committee on the platform, just a squad of eight Peacekeepers who direct us into the back of an armored truck. Effie sniffs as the door clanks closed behind us. "Really, you'd think we were all criminals," she says. Not all of us, Effie. Just me, I think. The truck lets us out at the back of the Justice Building. We're hurried inside. I can smell an excellent meal being prepared, but it doesn't block out the odors of mildew and rot. They've left us no time to look around. As we make a beeline for the front entrance, I can hear the anthem beginning outside in the square. Someone clips a microphone on me. The mayor's introducing me as the massive doors open with a groan.

"Big smiles!" Effie says, and gives me a nudge.

My feet start moving forward. This is it. This is where I have to convince everybody of my innocence, I think. The solemn ceremony is pretty tightly mapped out, so I'm not sure how to do it. I can smile, I guess, but unless I can say something brainlessly silly or unbeguling I don't really know how.

There's loud applause, but none of the other responses I would get in the Capitol, the cheers and whoops and whistles. I walk across the shaded verandah until the roof runs out and I'm standing at the top of a big flight of marble stairs in the glaring sun. As my eyes adjust, I see the buildings on the square have been hung with banners that help cover up their neglected state. It's packed with people, but again, just a fraction of the number who live here. As usual, a special platform has been constructed at the bottom of the stage for the families of the dead tributes.

I didn't really know either of the tributes from 11, and so the ceremony really just flies past. I try and forget each and every family who either looks at me with hate, resignation, or pity. The last one is the one I hate seeing the most. It's like they can see through my silly smiles and laughs and see the pain and tears underneath the mask, and wouldn't wish that fate on their own children even if it meant they would still be here in my place.

District after district passes by and I watch myself on the recaps. They remark how happy I look and how grateful I am to have been given such help from Panem during my games. How they can't wait to hear my talent. So on and so on. I mainly just study my reactions and expressions and work on making myself more and more believable. The farther we go, the less I recognize myself on TV, until even I believe I'm as stupidly blind to the Capitol's cruelty, as I'm trying to make everyone else believe.

It's District 4, I dread the most. I hop off the train and am immediately greeted by the sea. Everywhere you look, as far as you can see, is sparkling water. I am reminded of the sea when Cinna places me in a ocean blue dress that seems to cascade down my body in waves, this is no dress for the Girl on Fire. Strappy sandals with laces up my calves replace my regular shoes, and my hair is loosely curled. Once I'm deemed presentable I am ushered to a float. It is decorated with strange rock like things. I reach out to touch some when a smooth-almost seductive-voice whispers in my ear," Do you like those, Girl on Fire?"

I jump back, startled, and he laughs. I glare at him only to stop short and realize that District 4's very own Finnick Odair is standing before me. He is something of a living legend in Panem. Since he won the Sixty-fifth Hunger Games when he was only fourteen, he's still one of the youngest victors. Being from District 4, he was a Career, so the odds were already in his favor, but what no trainer could claim to have given him was his extraordinary beauty. Tall, athletic, with golden skin and bronze-colored hair and those incredible eyes. While other tributes that year were hard pressed to get a handful of grain or some matches for a gift, Finnick never wanted for anything, not food or medicine or weapons.

Everyone probably underestimated him because of his looks, and it took about a week for his competitors to realize that he was the one to kill, but it was too late. He was already a good fighter with the spears and knives he had found in the Cornucopia. When he received a silver parachute with a trident—which may be the most expensive gift I've ever seen given in the arena—it was all over. District 4's industry is fishing. He'd been on boats his whole life. The trident was a natural, deadly extension of his arm. He wove a net out of some kind of vine he found, used it to entangle his opponents so he could spear them with the trident, and within a matter of days the crown was his.

The citizens of the Capitol have been drooling over him ever since. I could've been like him. They waited until he was 16 to be sold off, but he doesn't give the appearance of that at all. He plays his part well. I can't argue that Finnick isn't one of the most stunning, sensuous people on the planet. But I can honestly say he's never been attractive to me. Maybe he's too pretty, or maybe I always assumed he was too easy to get, or maybe now it's really that he'd just be too easy to lose considering what President Snow has over all of us Victors. "Hello, Katniss," he says, acting like nothing happened.

"Hello, Finnick," I say, just as casually, although I almost want to step back seeing him shirtless. He only has a pair of casual shorts on and his chest is on full display."Do you know what those are?" he ask, pointing at the things on the float.

I shake my head, curiosity making me actually want to know what they are,"No."

He laughs and reaches over towards the edge of the street towards the sand and he picks something up and hands it to me. It's a smaller version of what they've decorated the float with.

"They're called sea shells," he says surprisingly kindly," If you put it up to your ear you can hear the ocean."

I look at him dubiously but he just smirks and moves it to my ear and I gasp when I hear the whooshing sound coming from the shell. I look at it one more time before handing it back to him but he shakes his head and says," Keep it, to remember me by," he probably can't help but add with a wink and a smirk.

I must look tempted to throw it at his head because he sombers up and says," For the little girl."

I look at him incredulously, but then he asks," What's with the little girl dresses? I was expecting flames and smoke and ash, not this."

"I like them," is all I say. Finnick takes the starfish necklace I have on and runs it between his fingers. "It's too bad about your singing career. You could have made out like a bandit in the Capitol. Jewels, money, anything you wanted."

"I don't like jewels, and I have more money than I need. What do you spend all yours on, anyway, Finnick?" I say wondering what he's getting at.

"Oh, I haven't dealt in anything as common as money for years," says Finnick.

"Then how do they pay you for the "pleasure" of your company?" I ask.

"With secrets," he says softly.

He tips his head in so his lips are almost in contact with mine. "What about you, Girl on Fire? Do you have any secrets worth my time?"

For some stupid reason, I blush, but I force myself to hold my ground. "No, I'm an open book," I whisper back. "I don't really have anything to hide."

He smiles. "Unfortunately, I think we'll have to agree to disagree." His eyes flicker off to the side. "Haymitch is coming. Say hello to your mentor for me. Make sure to blow a kiss my way!" He has the nerve to kiss my forehead before I can even step away and then saunters off.

Haymitch is by my side in a second and he gruffly demands, "What did Fish Boy want?"he asks.

I turn and roll my eyes," He wanted to know all my secrets."

Haymitch looks at me and then chuckles," Of course he did, and what else?"

"He gave me a seashell," I offer and he just rolls his eyes and says," He probably just wanted to see what all the fuss was about."

I look at him "Ugh. Not really."

"Really," he says," But don't worry your pretty little head about him. Just smile and wave and do what we practiced."

The music is beginning and I see crowds gathering around the float. Haymitch actually decides to be helpful for once and offers me a hand up. It goes about as well as I pictured and I smile as happily as I can, and wave, and even giggle at Haymitch's expense. He is as bitter and grumpy as ever and I don't have to try so hard to laugh at him which he doesn't seem to appreciate.

We reach the center of the district where the stage is placed and I am helped down. As usual, a special platform has been constructed at the bottom of the stage for the families of the dead tributes. On the boy's side, there's only an older man with an even older looking elderly woman. After Layla's death, I'd been stupid enough to be caught in a Career trap. He found me and asked about what happened to Layla. I told him everything and he raised his spear. I'd been sure that would have been it for me, but he just let me go and ran off without another word. I owed him my life, but I didn't even know his name.

On Layla's ... I'm not prepared for Layla's family. Her parents, whose faces are still fresh with sorrow. Her 2 younger siblings, who resemble her so closely. I hadn't allowed myself to remember exactly what she looked like but seeing them there, brings it all back to me. The slight builds, the sparkling big blue eyes. So like Prims, but deeper blue with a hint of green...like the ocean, I realize with a start.

The applause dies out and the mayor gives the speech in our honor. I learn the boy's name is Caspian. A little girl comes up with a tremendous bouquet of flowers. I speak but don't even seem to register the words coming out of my mouth, they're so scripted. The mayor steps forward and presents me with a plaque that's so large I have to put down my bouquet to hold it. The ceremony is about to end when I notice one of Layla's sisters is staring at me. She must be about nine and is almost an exact replica of Layla, down to the way her red hair slightly curls.

She's not happy. In fact, her look is reproachful. Is it because I didn't save Layla? No. It's because I still haven't thanked her, I think. Not properly, at least. A wave of shame rushes through me. The girl is right. How can I stand here, passive and docile, leaving all the words to the Capitol? If she had won, Layla would never have let my death go unsung. I remember how I took care in the arena to cover her with flowers, to make sure her loss did not go unnoticed. But that gesture will mean nothing if I don't support it now.

"Wait!" I stumble forward, pressing the plaque to my chest. My allotted time for speaking has come and gone, but I must say something. I owe too much. "Wait, please."

I don't know how to start, but once I do, the words rush from my lips as if they've been forming in the back of my mind for a long time."I want to give my thanks to the tributes of District Four," I say. I look at the man and elderly woman on the boy's side.

"I only ever spoke to Caspian one time. Just long enough for him to spare my life. I didn't know him, but I always respected him. For his kindness. For his refusal to play the Games on anyone's terms but his own. He could have been a regular Career and used my own mistake against me, but he didn't. I respected him for that." For the first time the old hunched woman — is she Caspian's grandmother? — raises her head and a soft smile plays on her lips.

The crowd has fallen silent now, so silent that I wonder how they manage it. I can hear the sound of distant waves nearby. They must all be holding their breath. I turn to Layla's family. "But I feel as if I did know Layla, and she'll always be with me. Everything beautiful brings her to mind. I see her in the blue flowers that grow in the Meadow by my house. I see her in the mockingjays that sing in the trees. But most of all, I see her in my sister, Prim." My voice is undependable, but I am almost finished. "Thank you for your children." I raise my chin to address the crowd. "And thank you all for the bread."

I stand there, feeling broken and small, thousands of eyes trained on me. There's a long pause. Then, from somewhere in the crowd, someone touches the three middle fingers of their left hand to their lips and holds it out to me. This is what had happened when District 12 bid me goodbye when I was reaped. I hadn't expected it, but appreciated the sentiment more than I could explain. This is also how I said goodbye to Layla. It is an old and rarely used gesture of our district, occasionally seen at funerals. It means thanks, it means admiration, it means goodbye to someone you love.

Then something crazy happens that is too well executed to be spontaneous, because it happens in complete unison. Every person in the crowd presses the three middle fingers of their left hand against their lips and extends them to me.

If I wasn't so terrified of what President Snow would do, this gesture might move me to tears. But with his recent orders to calm the districts fresh in my ears, it fills me with dread. What will he think of this very public salute to the girl who defied the Capitol? The full impact of what I've done hits me.

It was not intentional—I only meant to express my thanks — but I have elicited something dangerous. An act of dissent from the people of District 4. This is exactly the kind of thing I am supposed to be defusing! I try to think of something to say to undermine what has just happened, to negate it, and I burst into the tears I've been holding this whole time.

Haymitch comes up to me and shoos away other people trying to calm me down. He also has a microphone, but he acts like he doesn't even notice," There there, what's wrong, Sweetheart?"

I sniffle daintily and look up with watery eyes and say," I'm just so sad!"

"Why are you sad?" he asks with a weary sigh and a slightly amused look towards the cameras.

"I just find it so wonderful that District 4 would be so kind to me," I say a bit tearfully, I even allow my voice to sound almost childish," They are almost as wonderful as the Capitol. It's no wonder that Layla and Caspian were just as kind to me, as well."

Haymitch nods," Yes, I'm sure they are, now why don't we get you a handkerchief and wipe those tears off your face?"

I nod making a show of trying to compose myself," Oh, yes, I wouldn't want my makeup to get messed up. I couldn't bear it!"

I turn to the crowd who has thankfully stopped their saluting," Thank you all so very much and I can't wait for tonight's feast!"

I blow a kiss to the audience and I just manage to catch Finnick's knowing smirk as he makes a show of trying to catch it and patting above his heart.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss has just won the 73rd Hunger games at 15 years old. As she struggles to cope with the trauma and pain and guilt, she also has to deal with the Capitol's anger at her. She is just trying to survive, in the only way she knows how. She will smile, wave, and play the part of the naive girl who could never inspire a rebellion if it means the survival of those she loves.

* * *

When I am finally escorted away they chant my name, but it is more of a cry for vengeance than a cheer. When the Peacekeepers move in to quiet an unruly crowd, it presses back instead of retreating. And I know that there's nothing I could ever do to change this. But I can downplay it. I can refuse to be a part of it. The stupidly naive broken girl who has no idea what she started, or what is happening, but she will end it. One pretty smile at a time.

It is draining. I can't drop the act for one second for fear of what happened in District 4. By the time I reach the Capitol, I am going crazy. I first get the hair removal procedure done. I take a pill for the pain, and then am placed in a tube from the neck down. There is a flash of light and then it's done. I then have someone do my face in small areas and places and then they slather me in a special lotion they tell me with make the redness go away and another to make it so the pain never sets in after the pill wears off. 

I then get dressed and start my endless appearances to adoring crowds, and that's the end of the matter. I notice that there is no danger of an uprising here among the privileged, among those whose names are never placed in the reaping balls, whose children never die for the supposed crimes committed generations ago. I don't need to convince anybody in the Capitol of my innocence. I simply smile and laugh and look pretty. I go shopping. I go out to lunch with Effie or my prep team. I go visit Cinna at his store. I make it seem like I want for nothing and I wholeheartedly adore the Capitol for giving me all of it. I pretend not to notice the cameras catching all of it.

I keep hearing bits and pieces of conversation surrounding the Quarter Quell. I find it strange as that isn't until the 75th Games. We're nearing the 74th. And while it would understandably be more exciting to anticipate the sure to be enormous production that will be the Quell, I can't help but be nervous of what it will be if they're hyping it up so much so soon. I make a note of asking Haymitch or Cinna about it later.

The opportunity comes after dinner. I find Haymitch drowning himself in alcohol and I go and stand in front of him. He looks up at me with a bored expression, " Can I help you, Sweetheart?"

I look at him and say without much preamble," Can you tell me why everyone here is so excited about the Quarter Quell?"

He rolls his eyes and says," What did you expect from them? The 74th games is just a somewhat amusing inconvenience keeping them from the real fun."

"So I'm going to be training to be a mentor in a games that bears no real meaning to the Capitol? What about the tributes that will be going?" I demand.

He shrugs," I wouldn't expect many sponsors, but it'll be good practice before I let you do any real work."

I look at him shocked," How can you say that?! They're-"

"They're probably going to end up in a wooden box with _most_ of their remains on the train home before the first day is over," he says with no real remorse, but no real bite either," _You_ got lucky. Don't forget that.

"Just do your job," he says getting up and taking his bottle with him," Look pretty, sing your little heart out, stay safe, and hope this year's tributes get a painless death. After that comes the Quell which will be much harder. You don't know what he'll draw as a rule change, and so you are going to use this year to toughen up before I trust you with anything next year. You got that?"

I glare at him but not sharply and he leaves me to process once more how cruel and thoughtless the Capitol citizen really are when it comes to the people people in the Districts' lives. They can literally see an entire group of 24 children as a warm up to the real entertainment and not even care. It's those same people who wouldn't think twice about buying me for their own entertainment, either. And on that note I find myself wishing Haymitch hadn't taken his drinks with him.

* * *

By the end of the day I am always drained and exhausted. Both physically and mentally. Having to pretend like being among the very same people who were placing bets on whether or not I would make it out alive from something they viewed as entertainment, wasn't taxing on me. There are nights when I wake up seeing their absurd faces clawing at me while they mocked me with their nauseating accent.

The day finally comes when I am to perform. It is on the stage before the Training Center with Caesar Flickerman. He still has his hair dyed blue, and his whole outfit matches, of course.

He starts off by introducing me with a flourish," Now ladies and gentlemen, Panem's little darling, The Girl on Fire, Katniss Everdeen!"

I giggle and blow kisses to the audience as I make my way towards Caesar. He greets me with a big hug and kisses my cheeks. I try not to cringe or move away from him. I am, however, thankful when he takes my hand and helps me to my seat. The shoes I was forced into for my performance might help increase my height and stage presence, but they are not the easiest to walk in. I sit down with the lightness of a fairy or wood nymph in my pretty sparkly white dress that looks like starlight and smile prettily," Hello, Caesar, did you miss me?"

He makes a show of holding his hand over his heart and pouting," More than you could ever know, my dear. Right, everyone?"

The audience burst into cheers and agree with him wholeheartedly, and I giggle and chirp," I missed you all so much!"

"And how have you been, Katniss?" he asks kindly and then smiles conspiratorially," I hear you have a little something special for us?"

I make a show of putting a finger to my chin and pretending to think about," Really? I'm sure I don't know what you mean..."

"Oh come now, Katniss," he says patting my hand," The suspense is killing us. Right, everyone?"

"Right!" they agree and start to plead and beg in such a ridiculous manner that I pretend to take pity on them.

"I worked really hard on my talent for everyone," I say looking at everyone through my incredibly heavy eyelashes and pout my pretty pink lips that are slathered with shiny lip gloss," I just hope I can make you all proud."

Caesar waves me off and says," Of course you will, Katniss! I'm sure you'll be wonderful! Now do you want to let us in on what you're doing for us today?"

I pretend to lean in and mock whisper," I'm going to sing..."

"So we've heard, my dear," he says happily," Tell us all about it!"

And I do. I tell him about how much I enjoy singing and how I loved recording all the songs to "share" with everyone who has supported me through everything. I go on and on about how much I love all my new outfits and how amazing the music videos are going to be.

He takes this and playfully nudges me," Does this mean you'll be getting into fashion after this? Does a clothing line seem likely at all?"

I gasp and shake my head playfully," You know that even if it _was_ , I wouldn't be able to say anything. Cinna would never let me hear the end of it!"

"Oh, we wouldn't want that!" The audience and Caesar laugh and he reassures me with his hands up," Your secret is safe with me."

I let out a "relieved" sigh and smile happily,"Oh, thank goodness!"

"What we do want is to hear you sing like the little mockingjay you are!" I freeze, but then he holds out a hand and helps me up to the stage that is all made up, waiting for me," Now we can't stand the suspense any longer, Katniss! Do your best!"

I muster up my best smile and say," Thank you, Caesar!"

I take a deep breath and try and muster up a girl who is suddenly very shy and meek and not a threat to anyone in the Capital, and sneak a look a Haymitch who just gives me his signature smirk and a sarcastic thumb up. For some reason that makes me feel better enough to relax, and then I sing.

I sing knowing that everyone is listening, and I sing knowing that there are some who no longer can. I put my everything into keeping everyone safe for just a little longer. I sound vapid and stupid, but as meek and non threatening as I was hoping. I leave the Valley Song for last. They drag the first two as long as they can. They have me sing, then they break for commentary from some people. They even interview some people from the audience.

It isn't until the last song that I feel a shift. I sing, but I am no longer in the Capitol. I am in the meadow heading towards the forest with my father. We are in the woods, bow and game in hand, and song at the ready. This one I knew by heart since before I could remember. From the moment I was born, I was surrounded by songs and stories and love. Now, that all seems like a distant memory. A memory so far away, I can barely remember what happiness looks like, but I know what it sounds like.

The last note hangs in the air, and I am greeted by silence. I see some people are crying silently and even Caesar is trying to compose himself. I freeze thinking I've done something wrong. Did I miss a note? Did my voice crack? Was it not vapid or silly or repetitive enough for them? 

I start to look for Haymitch in the crown when it isn't until a single person starts clapping ominously that I move away from the microphone. President Snow, himself, has graced us with his presence and he is smiling kindly at me in a way that makes me shiver," How lovely that was, Miss Everdeen. Very heartfelt and touching."

I suppress the urge to give into the sudden paralyzing fear that grips me and instead beam," Thank you, President Snow! I'm so happy you think so. I did my very best!"

He smiles and gives a hearty chuckle," I can see that. I look forward to hearing more music from our little...Mockingjay...."

I hope my stupid smile doesn't give me away, and almost sigh in relief when Caesar laughs with him and takes my hand to kiss my knuckles," You and the rest of Panem, I'm sure, President Snow!"

He smiles his typical snake like smile why looking at me menacingly, despite no one else being able to see and merely says," Quite."

* * *

The second the cameras are off I smile and shake hands with both Caesar and President Snow, and am trying my best to head back over to Haymitch when Snows voice catches me off guard," I suppose I should congratulate your little performances, Miss Everdeen?"

I turn slowly and smile beguilingly," I thought you already did..."

He smiles threateningly," You and I both know what performances I was referring to."

I pause and simply stand there regarding him before answering," I do, but I suppose I should ask you if it was enough?"

He looks at me and the studio that is now slowly emptying. I hold my breath waiting for him to condemn me and my loved ones to death when he simply says," For now..."

I almost fall to the ground in shock when he simply turns around and leaves me there. I stand there frozen until Haymitch comes up to me and shakes me," Sweetheart, what's wrong? What did he say?"

I blink and am brought back to reality and simply let out in a shocked whisper," I did it..."

He looks at me in equal shock," You did?"

I nod silently and he just looks at me before pulling me into a short but surprisingly welcome hug before leading me back to our rooms where we stay until the banquet and then the trip back home.

* * *

The banquet goes by in a blur. It is the biggest one I've attended, but that was expected. There's food on hundreds of tables, and more people than I can keep track of. I am trying to enjoy my small victory and doing my best to eat as much as I can. I get to a table with a bunch of cookies. They are decorated with things from each district, or at least things that the Capitol would find pretty from each district.

I pick up one with coal and a flame around it obviously meant for District 12. I look at the design and know instantly that Peeta could have done it better. I miss the cookies he would make every Sunday. If he were here I would at least have someone to talk to. I try and fight back the unexpected bout of homesickness when someone snatches the cookie from my hands with an annoying drawl," Thanks, little one."

I immediately turn around to find myself face to face with none other than Finnick Odair's annoyingly smug face and growl," Don't call me that!"

He smirks at my obvious annoyance," Why it suits you...you're absolutely tiny!"

I frown annoyed at him poking fun at me and he laughs," I remember seeing you in the trees and thinking you were no bigger than a little fairy or wood nymph hiding from the world."

I start to protest when a new person comes up behind me and snarks," Leave the poor girl alone, Finn, not everyone should have to deal with your ugly face."

I turn around and see none other than Johanna Mason coming up behind me. She looks me up and down and I internally cringe thinking of the silver dress Cinna put me in. It sparkles like the eyeshadow used in my silver smokey eyes and leaves a trail of light smoke when I turn. I look every inch the pretty little Capitol puppet they want me to be. She looks the complete opposite. She can a tiny black scrap of fabric that can barely be considered a dress and really high boots. Her makeup is black, and she looks like what they probably assume I could become.

She just looks at me and shakes her head, "Don't worry, sweet cheeks, I don't judge your wardrobe choices. It's not like any of us have a choice in anything anymore."

Finnick fixes her with a pointed frown and starts," Jo, you can't just say-"

"Say what, Finn," she snarls back," the truth? He can't do anything to me anymore. She already knows what I'm talking about. Snow might have made both of us come and play the best of friends with her here for the cameras, but if we're going to be "friends", I'd like for it to be founded on truth."

I look at her sharply," Excuse me?! He did what?"

"Oh calm down, Sweetie," she says waving me off," Our dear President Snow just wants the districts to know their little darling is playing nice with her new friends...which is us."

"But why?" I ask her and she shrugs. 

I turn to Finnick, and he looks almost pained," You need to be one of us, or you could get in big trouble, little one. We're trying to help you."

I look at them and then just ask one question," So that's what you wanted when I was in 4."

He looks at me and almost smiles," Yes and no."

"Then what the hell was that all about?" I demand more confused than before.

"You'll find out soon enough," Johanna says shoving a piece of cake into my hands with a staged smile," You really need to try this cake, though! It's to die for!"

It's then that I see the cameras zeroed in on our little group and I force a smile as I make a show of nodding and taking a tentative bite. I then pull off astounded wonder at this cake, that while very good, was not as good as the ones from Peeta's family's bakery. It was too rich to really be able to enjoy unless you were used to so much chocolate at once. I realize then that everyone else at this party would be used to it if the food I'd seen at all the tables was to go by. 

Still I played my part and finished it, happily proclaiming it," To die for!"

Finnick laughs easily at my reaction to the cake and easily holds out his arms to both of us, and together we set off to try everything we can manage without getting sick.

By the 10th table, I can't eat anymore, and say as much to Finnick and Johanna. They are about to respond when my prep team appears and Octavia exclaims," Why aren't you eating?" 

"I have been, but I can't hold another bite," I say. This makes them burst into laughter as if that's the silliest thing they've ever heard.

"No one lets that stop them!" says Flavius. They lead me over to a table that holds tiny stemmed wine glasses filled with clear liquid. "Drink this!"  
  
I pick one up to take a sip and they lose it.

"Not here!" shrieks Octavia.

"You have to do it in there," says Venia, pointing to doors that lead to the toilets. "Or you'll get it all over the floor!"

I look at the glass again and put it together. "You mean this will make me throw everything up?"  
  
My prep team laughs hysterically. "Of course, so you can keep eating," says Octavia. "I've been in there twice already. Everyone does it, or else how would you have any fun at a feast?  
  
I'm don't know what to say to that, staring at the pretty little glasses and all they imply. Finnick takes the wine glass out of my hand with surprising care and simply says, "Come on, Katniss, let's dance."  
  
The music is light and airy for a bit, but the second I step onto the dance floor one of my songs fills the room. People shriek in excitement, and I try not to cringe. I simply smile and let Finnick lead me in a simple dance. It is surprisingly simple enough and he stays a respectable distance for once. I am grateful to Effie's dancing lessons and my training for my music debut. Otherwise, I don't think I would have been able to keep up. We're quiet for a while. Then Finnick speaks in a sarcastic voice.

"You go along, thinking that you can finally immerse yourself into their world, and not care, and then they remind you just who you're dealing with, and then you-" He stops and doesn't continue.   
  
All I can think of are the people in District 12 who are struggling to get by. The food off of one of these tables would be enough to feed the entire Seam. My mother has to diagnose malnourished child after malnourished child and can only offer one remedy. More food. The one thing they can't give.

Now that we're rich, she'll send some home with them. But often in the old days, there was nothing to give and the child was past saving, anyway. And here in the Capitol they're vomiting for the pleasure of filling their bellies again and again. Just because they can.

My family only did as well as we did because I was able to hunt, but I still had to take out tesserae. And that was barely enough to support the 3 of us. What about the families who were not able to hunt. As far as I know, only Gale and I are equipped to go out into the woods. I grew up in the woods because of my father and I was armed. What about the families who don't have that kind of luck? The families with more children? Everything considered, at the age of 15, I had my name in there 16 times. It was no wonder I was reaped.  
  
"I suppose you never get used to this, right?" I say pushing everything out of my mind so as to not have it reflect on my face.  
  
He realizes this, too, and pulls his face up into a seductive smirk," No, you never get used to being with me."  
  
I manage to giggle and try to ignore the cameras taking pictures and filming everything," I'm really happy I got to know you and Johanna! I'm sure it'll never be boring with you two around!"

"You don't know the half of it," he says charmingly, and the song is over.   
  
Johanna immediately takes my hand and pulls me over to a table, hands me a glass. I look at her sharply and she waves me away saying," Relax, Katniss, it's just champagne. I wouldn't want you to puke all over me."

Surprisingly, that doesn't make me feel better, and I start to put it down when she stops me," Trust me, you'll need it.

"If not now, in the very near future, and I'd rather you have someone like me with you than someone like our dear Uncle Haymitch," she said pointing to said Haymitch obviously having the time of his life with people I didn't know.

And then I look at her with a raised eyebrow," Uncle Haymitch?"

She laughs as she downs her glass and reaches for another one," He absolutely hates it, but he's rarely coherent enough to remember to care.

"You might have more luck, though, seeing as you guys are friendly neighbors now!"

I laugh and sniff the pretty looking drink," Is this good?"

"The best," she says looking giddier by the second making me doubt that is her 2nd drink," This is the good stuff. The only good reason to come out here to this thing."

I frown and take a tentative sip and grimace at the slightly sour taste and burn," Why would you drink this?"

She shrugs," It's an acquired taste, I guess. And you'll acquire it. All the fancy events like this have it, and if you want to fit in like you don't have a care in the world. Alcohol is your new best friend."

I look at her incredulously when she just laughs and says," Hurry up and drink it, I want to go dance now, and you're coming with me."

I try and do what she says being mindful not to show my distaste for the drink on my face when I stop and ask her," Dance? With me? Don't you need a partner for that here?"

"Oh please," she says as soon as I finish my drink and the second one she hands me right after," Haven't you ever danced with your girlfriends?"

I laugh drily," I don't exactly have many friends, especially girls."

She frowns," Because of this?"

I laugh," Oh, no, I'm just not the little ray of sunshine I pretend to be here. Dancing isn't really my thing."

"But your talent was singing," she says trying to figure it all out," How can you not dance? Even I used to do it from time to time...before all of this."

"Then I'm sorry for you," I said and shrugged," but I can't really miss what I've never done."

"Well now we have to dance," she says with sudden determination and as soon as an upbeat song comes on she drags me to the dance floor and starts jumping up and down and dancing. I have no idea what I'm doing but eventually the champagne kicks in enough to let me relax and somewhat enjoy myself. 

Other people join us and I almost forget where I am until someone clinks a glass and we all turn to President Snow who is smiling at everyone and raises the glass," What a wonderful party for our dear little Mockingjay. I can't express how thrilled we are to have her with us here today. May she continue to delight Panem with her talent!"  
  
Everyone raises a glass in my direction and I smile prettily and raise a glass someone handed me, as well. With that he wishes everyone to continue to enjoy the party and he wanders off.

Finnick joins us on the dancefloor after that and it is around midnight when Effie comes up to me and trills,"Time to say thank you and farewell!"  
  
I am grateful for her presence for once, and say goodbye to Finnick and Johanna. Johanna throws herself at me in a clearly inebriated hug which I find myself laughing at. And Finnick sneaks in a forehead kiss. Effie huffs at both of them, but says nothing as she ushers me out.   
  
"Don't we have to thank President Snow?" I ask confused," Won't it seem rude?"

"Oh no, dear," she says, "I've already arranged for the necessary notes and gift to be sent to be sent to him tomorrow. Now we really do need to find Hay-there you are!"   
  
We then see two Capitol attendant carrying an inebriated Haymitch towards us. Effie shakes her head and motions for them to take him with up to the car. Cinna and Portia and my prep team follow us out and into a different car than us. We make it to the train right on time for it to leave for District 12, and I am just relieved to be going home. 

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss has just won the 73rd Hunger games at 15 years old. As she struggles to cope with the trauma and pain and guilt, she also has to deal with the Capitol's anger at her. She is just trying to survive, in the only way she knows how. She will smile, wave, and play the part of the naive girl who could never inspire a rebellion if it means the survival of those she loves.

* * *

Effie fills us in on what to expect for when we arrive in District 12. There will be dinner at Mayor Undersee's house tonight and a victory rally in the square during the Harvest Festival tomorrow.

We always celebrate the Harvest Festival on the final day of the Victory Tour, but usually it means a meal at home or with a few friends if you can afford it. This year it will be a public affair, and since the Capitol will be throwing it, everyone in the whole district will have full bellies. That and Parcel Day make this whole ordeal almost worth it.

I will get ready for the dinner and the festival at the mayor's house. Cinna has already decided my outfit with Portia. They've made it their mission to keep what they call my "aesthetic" going. My prep team has my makeup looks covered. I'm just grateful that none of their prepping involves hair removal anymore. It pains me more than anything to give into their ridiculous Capitol standards, but if this is going to work I have to. Besides, I've never dealt very well with unnecessary pain. Mine or anyone else's either.  
  
I'll only be only at the train station briefly, to smile and wave as we pile into our car. I won't even get to see Mom or Prim until the dinner tonight. I'm just glad it will be at the mayor's house instead of at the Justice Building. The Justice Building is where my father's memorial was held. It is also where I was taken after the reaping to say goodbye to my family before the games. I don't think I would be able to eat anything there.

But the mayor's house has Madge. And Madge and I are friends. She was good company these past couple months, and is one of the few people I can say I genuinely missed during my tour. We've always been friends, in a way. It just became official when she came to say goodbye to me before I left for the Games, and when she helped me with my talent all these months.

We arrive to the station and I am ready. I am helped off the train, and I smile and wave at everyone who's there and the cameras that were waiting for my arrival. I'm not there for more than 5 minutes when I am helped into a car and we rush to the mayor's house.

Madge is waiting there for me and I am only able to give her a quick hug when I am rushed to the third floor to get ready. After I'm prepped and dressed in a full-length silver gown, I've still got an hour to kill before the dinner, so I slip off to find her.

Madge's bedroom is on the second floor along with several guest rooms and her father's study. I stick my head in the study to say hello to the mayor but it's empty. The television's is on, and I stop to watch shots of me at the Capitol party last night. Dancing, eating, drinking, and laughing with Finnick and Johanna. I cringe at the thought of everyone seeing me like that, but that was the whole point of my tour.

I am the poor little silly girl from District 12 who is too stupid to possibly be capable of inciting a rebellion of any sort. As much as it hurts my pride, and goes against every fiber of my being, I'm just relieved it looks just convincing enough to people who don't know me. I've never been more grateful that most people don't.

I'm leaving the room when a beeping noise catches my attention. I turn back to see the screen of the television go black. Then the words "UPDATE ON DISTRICT 8" start flashing. I panic knowing that I shouldn't be seeing this, but I can't help but want to know.   
  
An announcer I've never seen before appears. It's a woman with graying hair and a hoarse, authoritative voice. She warns that conditions are worsening and a Level 3 alert has been called. Additional forces are being sent into District 8, and all textile production has ceased.

They show the people of District 8 in the main square. I recognize it because I was there only last week. There are still banners with my face waving from the rooftops. But I don't focus on them, I focus on the mob below them. People are screaming, their faces hidden with rags and homemade masks, throwing bricks. Buildings burn. Peacekeepers shoot into the crowd, killing at random.

My heart sinks and dread begins to flare up. This is what I was supposed to have stopped. How can President Snow say I've done anything? People aren't stupid. However stupid I may have acted, I'm not important. I may have started all of this, but the people of Panem will finish it. With or without my help. What does this mean for me and my family?  
  
I can't look at it anymore and I run out the door and start down the hall. That's when the mayor approaches me and I smile like nothing happened.  
  
"Looking for Madge?" he said in a friendly tone.

"Yes. I want to show her my dress," I said with a sheepish smile.  
  
"Well, you know where to find her." Just then, another round of beeping came from his study. His face turned grave. "Excuse me," he said. He went into his study and closed the door tightly.

I breathe a sigh of relief and take a moment to collect my thoughts. I push back all of my worries and dread and recreate my Victor persona. 

..................................

Dinner passes by quickly enough and I am soon rushed back upstairs to put a more subtle outfit suitable for the Harvest Festival. It is cold outside, especially at night, and I am grateful. I am still given a dress, but it is still warm. It's a red flannel dress that flares out slightly and swishes around my knees. I have on black sheer tights, black heeled boots, a red hat, and a black pea coat. My hair is recurled, and my makeup freshened up, and my lipstick changed to a nude gloss. I look effortlessly wholesome, and innocent. Like this is what I normally wear back at home.   
  
Once I am deemed perfect, Haymitch comes in and escorts me out to the car that will take me to the square in front of the Justice Building that I know will be decorated to celebrate my return and the Festival, itself. There are multiple cars for Madge and her family, my prep team and Cinna and Portia, and then me, Effie, and Haymitch.

We make it to the square too soon, and I see the mayor and Madge get out. My prep team follows and they stop for pictures and a few words with the interviewers. And then, too soon for my liking, Effie steps out, followed by Haymitch. I take a calming breath, paste on a smile, and take the offered hand that helps me out of the car.

People surprise me by cheering, and I smile and wave, and then stop and talk to the people shoving cameras and microphones in my face.

A lady with crazy green hair comes up to me and shoves a microphone in my face and asks," Katniss, how does it feel to be back home after such an exciting Tour you just had?"

I fake a laugh and beam at the cameras shoved further into my face all the while feeling like a broken record," It just feels so good to be home."

"Don't you miss the Capitol, though?" someone with metallic silver hair asks," You were seen talking with Finnick Odair and Johanna Mason just last night?"

"Of course I miss the Capitol! The very best people I've ever met live are there," I say in a heartbroken voice," And Finnick and Johanna are my very best friends. I can't wait to see them again. President Snow's party was so much fun!"

"I can imagine!" the woman from before says," What are you most excited about the Festival today?"

"I am excited for the food!" I say with a giggle," I just had dinner, but more dessert is always welcome!"

They laugh and twitter about until someone motions them to reposition themselves in front of the Justice Building, itself, for the Mayor's speech.  
  
I am whisked away up the same steps I climbed during the reaping, and am proud to say I don't hesitate or drop my smile once. And Haymitch said I couldn't act...

Everyone gathers in front of the Justice building, and I try and make out people in the crowd. I see my mom and Prim ensconced in the very front. Prim looks so excited she might burst, and eagerly waves at me.

I laugh and wave back, the cameras love it.

I then notice Gale and his family somewhat in the back. Hazelle and the kids look happy, Posy also waves at me. Gale is brooding, but that was to be expected. I don't know what he wants me to do, or why he's mad. It could be because of my behavior on Tour, but I refuse to deal with his supposed disappointment in me. My nightmares and own conscience are enough.

I then notice Peeta with his family. I see the baker who looks very happy. Peeta's brothers, too. They are laughing and smiling. His mother is not. His sister in law's family has the table next to them. I notice they are near a table full of cakes, pies, cookies, and more. I make a mental note to stop by and try everything. Peeta, himself, is staring at me with a look I don't recognize. He almost seems like he is in a daze and is looking at me almost in wonder, but that can't be right. I try and smile in his direction and that helps bring him back, and he sends a happy "Peeta" smile my way.

The camera crews then start counting down and motion for the mayor to start. He quiets everyone down and goes on to congratulate me and thank me. I try not to break down in remorse at what I'm being thanked for.   
  
I then step up to the microphone and read out the cards Effie gave me. I gush about how kind everyone has been, how happy I am to be home again, and how excited I am to share this Harvest Festival with everyone present. I make it a point to thank President Snow and the Capitol for being so kind to do this for District 12. I throw in a giggle and blow a kiss to the cameras.

They have their shots and then motion for us to walk down to the Festival and walk around the booths. My team and I make a big show of walking around the booths and tables and enjoying the food. I introduce my prep team to a bunch of new things, and we laugh at Haymitch's expense.

Once they thank me for everything I look at Haymitch questioningly. He shoos me away and heads over to the table full of alcohol. My prep team goes off and explores, I hope people are nice to them. They do mean well.

I immediately head over to my mom and Prim who are talking to Madge. Prim tackles me in a hug and I return it," Hey, little duck, did you miss me?"

"So much, Katniss!" she says muffled into my shoulder," It wasn't the same without you."

"Oh, Prim," I say laughing," but at least I brought back presents."

"From where?" she says excitedly," The Capitol?"

"And the other Districts, too," I say nodding my head," I was able to look around a little."

"That's so exciting, Katniss," Madge says longingly," To be able to see the other Districts."

"It was nice to see," I say somewhat meaning it," But home is best."

"Did you really meet Finnick Odair?" Prim asks in a hushed whisper.

I laugh because of course she would ask that," I did, but he is much more annoying that he appears on TV."

Madge smirks," Really because you seemed to be having a lot of fun dancing with him and Johanna..."

I give her a sheepish look," Blame it on too much champagne."

My mom cuts in, in a disapproving voice I don't care for at all," You should not be drinking at all, Katniss, especially at your age. It's unbecoming and I won't allow it!"

I almost narrow my eyes, but remember that there are too many people around with cameras and microphones and whisper through smiling gritted teeth," I'm sure you won't."

There's an awkward pause when I smile more naturally and say," Now we should go and enjoy the festival, right?"

They nod relieved and we walk around and eat too much food. It's not as rich as the Capitol, but it tastes less empty. It's comforting and heartier.

The cameras and people from the Capitol eventually leave once they've got their shots. Knowing the Capitol, they'll be in a hurry to broadcast this to all of Panem by morning.

I say goodbye to them and feel a weight being lifted off of my shoulders enough to breathe a sigh of relief. They're gone for now, and I can try and enjoy myself in peace.

That thought quickly vanishes when a fuming Gale makes his way towards me. I sigh and a give him a look daring him to start," Hello, Gale, how've you been?"

He scoffs," Fine, or as fine as one can be when the Capitol continues to work us dry while they feast and party at all hours of the night."

I frown and shake my head hoping he'll stop talking as soon as possible," You can't mean that. They-"

"You're obviously one of them now, if you can stand here and say that," he says gesturing to all of me," We all saw you and heard what you said. Those people in the Districts you visited...they're suffering and all you could do was spout more and more Capitol propaganda?!"

I glare at him and hiss," And what did you want me to do? I don't know what they showed you all from my stop in District 4, but I can tell you right now that I know a lot more about what would happen to those people if I were to stop spouting 'Capitol propaganda'...

"Besides, I thought we agreed that you would stop judging me! You promised, Gale!"

He stops and looks at my face that I just know looks completely tired of this endless cycle and sighs," I'm sorry, Catnip...you know how I get. I-"

"I do know how you get," I say cutting him off," but you should also know how I get. I'm not going to change anytime soon. This is who I am now. You either accept it or don't, but I won't change. I can't."

He doesn't seem to like that, but moves on and nods in stoic resignation. He leads me over to his family who greet me much nicer than he did, and that's that. It almost feels like the Games never happened for a solid 20 minutes.

I eventually make it to Peeta's family's table and his father beams at me," There's our Katniss! How have you been?"

I smile genuinely at him and say," Very well thank you, and you?"

"We've been fine!" he says," It was so nice being able to bake so much for the District to enjoy."

The Capitol paid the people of 12 to provide the food for the Festival. It was easier than importing everything from there. That way they could limit what they sent to alcohol, chocolate fountains, cheese plates, and so on. Things that wouldn't be very substantial in the long run. They wouldn't want the District to accidentally not starve for a few days. One was already too generous.

Rye steps in and places an arm around me, much to my annoyance," But Peeta wasn't fine, Dad. I think we're all going to relieved not to see him moping around so much anymore, right?"

I look at his smirking face incredulously as Peeta moves in and pulls me away," Leave her alone, Rye, no one should be subjected to you. Especially not her?"

"Aww, you don't mean that, baby bro," he says pouting trying not to smile," I just wanted her to know how happy we all are that she's back."

"Sure you did," he mutters and then turns to me," It really is good to see you again, Katniss. What would you like?"

I look around at the table of baked goods and sweets from his in-laws, and my eyes go for the chocolate cake.

He notices and with a chuckle says," Good choice," without me having to even say anything.

The chocolate cake is much better than the one Johanna had me try, and I have no problem finishing it. After that there are pies, chocolates, candies, and cheese buns.

Peeta's dad ushers us away after we've eaten, and we walk around for a bit. I'm looking around when he speaks up a bit hesitant," You wore a dress like this on that day."

"What?" I ask confused about what he's even talking about.

"The day you sang the Valley Song at school," he says clarifying, his voice a bit distant," You wore a red plaid dress that day. Seeing you in this reminded me of it."

I don't know what to say to that since I don't remember that day. The dress seems a bit familiar, but only because we wore it to rags between Prim and me.

"Well," I say instead, trying to lighten the mood," It's not the worse outfit I've ever worn."

He laughs," Please, you always look good."

"Don't even start," I says laughing with him.

"So how was your Tour?" he asks changing the subject goodnaturedly," We saw parts of it, but what about your point of view?"

I tell him about everything I saw in the Districts, and what I did. I leave out the speeches I made, the things I said, and the Capitol. He doesn't ask.

"The food was the best part," I say with a laugh," Although, none of it held a candle to your family's bakery."

"You don't mean that," he says bashfully," You must have tried dozens of cookies and cakes and-"

"And none of them were as good as yours," I say adamantly, leaving no room for argument.

"Which District was your favorite?" he asks changing the subject again," Out of all of them-excluding 12."

I give him a look and think about it, and remember the ocean, and say a bit sadly," District 4."

"Why is that?" he asks gently somehow knowing how I'm feeling without having to tell him.

"The ocean is beautiful," I say trying to remain normal about what should have been a simple question," It's so big-bigger than you could even imagine from what they show us. It was very different from District 12, but still nice.

"They also have these things called 'sea shells', " I say remembering," They are very pretty, and you can hear the ocean in them if you hold them to your ear!"

He grins but looks at me skeptically," Is that even possible?"

I grin back at him and nod," I'll prove it next time you come over. I brought one back with me."

"Where did you even learn all of that?" he asks surrendering for now.

I stop grinning and hesitate for some reason before saying," Finnick told me about it when I asked him what they were..."

He looks at me questioningly," Finnick...Finnick Odair? You really do know him?"

I nod uncertainty," We met in District 4, but I got to know him more in the Capitol. I met him and Johanna there."

"I always wondered if Victors talked to each other," he says hesitantly," I guess now I know, they can even be friends.

"I mean we all saw you with them last night, but it's a bit surreal seeing you on TV as a Victor. It's not the same Katniss I see here, but I guess that's to be expected."

"It is what it is," I say not wanting him to look down on me," I don't know if we're really friends right now, I just met them, but we play a part. It's nice to talk to someone who understands that."

"I know," he says gently obviously trying to make up for what he said," I just wish you didn't have to. You're the most genuinely unapologetic person I know, Katniss, and seeing you be anything else is... I just wish I could help you."

I smile wryly," You can't."

Peeta is silent before once more changing the subject as we catch up to Madge and Prim. I take that as an unspoken, _I know_.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter from the one's published on fanfiction.net!
> 
> Here's hoping it can hold you over for the next official update... let me know what you think so far!


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